Feature

30th Oct 2017

The 26 ultimate Halloween treats from your childhood, ranked in order from worst to best

katedemolder

We’ve all been there. It’s Halloween night, you cut eyeholes in your whitest bed sheet and are ready to go take on the town in search for sugar.

Young, spritely and innocent, this night is yours.

And then… then you experience the feeling of being ‘let down’ for the very first time, when your crap neighbour Sheila hands you an orange. A fucking orange. What’s worse is that this is only the start of it.

Here, ranked from best to worst, are the 26 childhood-defining Halloween sweets.

26. Cream Crackers

A slap in the face to all who enjoy Halloween.

Children have full permission to turn their noses up and walk away from the house if given these absolute eyesores.

26. Raisins

Dried, wrinkly and quite similar in looks to a dead fly. Pass.

24. Monkey Nuts

Something we all have to endure over the years, to build character if nothing else.

Who even buys them?

23. Grapes

Grapes are touch and go with their squishability and inevitable stickiness at the best of times, now try lamp them into a bin bag with 25 other houses worth of sweets.

G’luck tya.

22. Fruit (misc)

Fruit? Fuck off.

Same goes for toffee apples, candy apples or any attempt parents make to shield the fact that it’s a piece of fruit they’re giving to you.

21. Shite crisps

This includes Meanies, Chickatees, Wheelies, Banshee Bones, Hot Lips, Burger Bites, Johnny Onion Rings, Spicy Rings or any other corn snacks which, when combined with human saliva, become industrial strength mouth cement.

Also, they get ruined under the weight of your more durable, better sweets.

20. Homemade Popcorn

No.

Not buttery enough, not salty enough and mostly pips. No.

19. OAP sweets

This includes Scots Clan, Werther’s Original and Emerald Irish Caramels.

No.

18. Parma Violets

Chalk.

Like, it’s just chalk.

17. Turkish Delight

For something that claims that it’s ‘rose flavoured’, it’s pretty fucking rank.

16. Richie’s Milky Moo Mints

Mints are what you eat AFTER you eat your sweets. They are not sweets.

15. Gold Coins

They just brought nothing to the table did they?

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14. Viscount / USA Biscuits

When someone has blatantly not bothered to buy sweets for the imminent passing children and has given you the dregs of their biscuit stash. For shame.

13. Kimberley, Mikados and Coconut Creams

‘Someone you love would love some’, yeah fair, but they got bloody fucking ruined in bin-bags.

12. Animal Bars

With their informative animal prints and whimsical quizzes on the wrappers, they almost made the top 10, but we had to take into consideration that they’re pretty flimsy in comparison to their less breakable rivals.

Poor sods weren’t given a chance in life really.

11. Catch Bars

Sturdy? Yes. Will make you sick as a dog if you eat all in one sitting? Also yes.

10. Apple Drops

More like little drops of heaven, amirite?

But on a more serious note, they will stick (and get stuck) to everything you’ve ever known and loved.

9. Snack Bars

Robust little pillars of Irish society that helped shape our youth and fill our lunch boxes. Simple treats done right.

8. Macaroon Bars

A family favourite. Just the right amount of coconut, not like that overpowering Bounty prick. Top marks.

7. Snax and Pom Bears

Top-shelf crisps. Sturdier than their counterparts and far tastier too.

6. Cadbury’s Luxury Range

Golden Crisp, Mint Crisp, Tiffin. True to form, regal in nature. Can’t go wrong.

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5. Creme Eggs

Arguably the top of the sweets food chain – knocked off the top for the simple reason that they’re only available between January and Easter, so it means that these babies have been lying around the house around eight months. Not ideal.