WARNING: This article is not about food whatsoever, quite the opposite in fact. If you are eating food at this moment, put it down as of immediately. Apologies in advance.
There's no getting away from the fact that when you gotta go, you gotta go. As Ali G will tell you, there's nothing funny about turtling (well there is when it isn't you), so to have a go-to selection of safe, comfy loos in the capital, is pretty essential information. The thing is, you're not always already seated at a poo-friendly establishment. Picture this (or don't): a shop with one toilet and a queue four people deep, waiting patiently for their time in the dodgy solitary cubicle that's sure to be running out of toilet paper any minute now, and you've just gotten the post tikka masala gurgle. I mean that's just most people's worst nightmare. What's more, you don't always have the luxury of popping in somewhere, buying a coffee (that's definitely not a good idea when you find yourself in that situation, mind), sitting down for a half an hour to warrant using their facilities in the first place, for fear of the dreaded sign that reads 'toilets are for customer use only'. The STRESS.
As this phantom pooer's dreams of frontline journalism take a further back seat, behold, the best places to drop the kids off at the pool in Dublin. Might come in handy when Mother Nature calls...
Now what you've got to learn to perfect here is the 'I'm actually just looking for my friend that I just don't think is maybe here yet' look, should the bar staff cop on to your plan. Here's the proper shitiquette - you act out the token waltz, sauntering up and down the bar looking lost and forlorn and then, like the stealthiest of ninja cats, you slink down the stairs and into the almost always empty (at least during the day) row of loos. Why this place gets our vote is also for the wide range of hand-written messages with which the walls are adorned. A bit of reading never goes a miss; bliss.
7. The Westbury
Tucked away from the hustle bustle of Grafton Street, if you're feeling anxious about your bowel movements, best take them straight to this oasis of comfort, The Westbury. What's great about here is that nobody will come near you, giving you evils for the fact that you're using their toilets without having rented a room, they'll probably welcome you with a smile in fact. Wrap up your business with a spot of afternoon tea and all will be right with the world.
6. The Morrison
With a complete overhaul and redesign, new fittings and not a bit of grot in sight, you know you'll have a pleasant poo in here. The Morrison is one of the more luxurious spots to relieve yourself on the North side of the city. Probably the nicest set of loos you'll find around the Henry St area. Bright, airy, lots of space and they've always got fresh flowers in there too. You'd be surprised the things that contribute towards that feeling of satisfaction as you leave the loos feeling lighter in your load. With so many people passing through here for meetings and what have you, just saunter in here looking like you mean business and nobody will bat an eyelid.
5. The Morgan
Hotels make up the majority of this list, but you might need to act like you've got a room upstairs and fancy powdering your nose/rearranging your giblets in the lobby toilets rather than haul ass all the way up to your suite. Nobody's going to bother you in a hotel. Should nature come calling, there's only one place to poo in Temple Bar and that's in this boutique haven, The Morgan.
4. Dundrum Shopping Centre
If you're out in Dundrum chances are you're here for some hardcore shopping, and it's likely that you'll pop into Cortinas for a few refills of nachos and guac, complete with a portion of their ghost chilli chicken wings. Before your arse turns into a self-energised rocket, ready to launch you higher than the stratosphere, get thee to one of the largest selections of toilets in Dublin. You could play hide and seek in here. If you're stuck short in the food area, the toilets up in Harvey Nicks are nice and quiet too, and with their dark atmosphere and plush decoration, you'll feel like you're shitting in a nightclub.
Shopping on Henry Street? Arnotts is the only call. This place has so many undisturbed toilets, if you found yourself on a hot date here (not sure why you'd be in Arnotts though) you could surely convince your other half that you're just going up to check out something in the kids' department (though that might freak them out even more) and then sneak off for a private poo without them ever knowing. 'I just needed to pee but the queues were just mad, that's why I was longer than I'd liked to have been, ok?' 'Eh, I didn't say anything.'
These are fantastic 'cause they're so far away from anywhere else you're likely to be, you can poo to your heart's content in peace. Nobody will question you as to whether it was a number 1 or 2 because everyone knows how long it takes to get to these toilets in the first place. It's also just a lovely shopping centre and quite the mini food mecca too. Not that we want to draw your attention to food at this moment in time.
1. Brown Thomas
Coming in at number 1, it's the holy grail of city pooping: Brown Thomas. Fitting name too. The soaps, the mirrors, the hand towels, the staff who are always on hand to make sure the loos are permanently spotless, there's no more luxurious way to poo while you enjoy all that Dublin has to offer. The upstairs toilets and the one in the cafe downstairs are winners.