If, like us, you have yet to find another television show as good
as Breaking Bad to fill the void it left since it finished, you’ve
probably been tempted to revisit it time and time again.
But why do that, when you can just relive it... Dublin-style.
1. No one would take Heisenberg’s hat seriously
Walt’s persona of Heisenberg would have considerably less authority as the second he appeared in his hat he would be the subject of several people saying “What’s with the feckin’ hat? The state of ya,”
2. Walt would be the one who knocks, and knocks, and knocks
And then on knocking he’d find on the other side that there’d only be whispers saying “Are you expecting anyone? I'm not. Sure the curtains are closed, and the news is starting now in a few minutes, so let's just pretend we're not in.”
3. And he may never have seen a crystal meth lab
Instead of Walt’s ridealong with Hank leading him to discover Jesse Pinkman’s meth lab, Walt and Hank would have simply stopped for a breakfast roll from Spar before setting up a checkpoint on the N81 to catch people for tax and insurance.
4. Los Pollos Hermanos would have been a pulled pork joint
Gus Fring’s business front would instead specialise in the fad food of the day, and be called Ar Mhuin Na Muice
5. Dave McSavage, Al Porter and Karl Spain would all feature
Breaking Bad was known for casting comedians in several roles, with Bob Odenkirk as Saul, Bill Burr as Patrick Kuby and Lavell Crawford as Huell.
6. Jesse would have a different catchphrase
Instead of ‘Bitch’ Jesse’s exclamation of choice would be ‘Eejit!'
7. Walt would always be a teacher
He wouldn’t have even needed his second job, as he'd be a fully paid-up and protected member of the ASTI.
8. Getting marooned in the desert would be the least of anyone's worries
There would be no treacherous trips to the desert to be threatened or left for dead, stranded in the baking heat without water. Instead people would be stranded up Three Rock without a jacket on a wet Tuesday.
Or in Dundrum when there's a sale on.
9. Walt and Jesse would eat somewhere better
It wouldn’t be a run down Denny’s that Walt and Jesse would reconvene at during their moments of crisis; it would be the decidedly more pleasant Whitefriar Grill.
If they could ever get a booking, that is.
10. The series would have been about three episodes long
Walter’s motivation for cooking meth was to cover the cost of his medical treatment and years of college fees for his two children. In the series this totalled to €737,000. In Ireland, much as we like to groan and gripe about our education and health services, he probably would have made enough to cover all this in a weekend.
11. Saul would have made his money differently
Instead of shady criminal dealings, he would have made his fortune from equally shady tribunals.
12. Gale's coffee would no longer be the best in town
Walt would be considerably less impressed with his lab assistant's brew, as he’d pick up his coffee from 3fe on the way into the lab.
13. Walt wouldn’t stay hidden for long
On secretly returning from his hideaway location up north (Bundoran), Walt would last all of an hour before he heard someone across the street shout “Walt?! I thought that was you! Too good to say hello to me now are you?”
14. Walt would have had much better birthday breakfast
Instead of a measly scrambled eggs and fake bacon ’50’ for his birthday. Walt would have had a full Irish Breakfast with his full date of birth on it. The day, month and year of his birth spelled out in a cacophony of bacon, sausage and black and white pudding breakfast from Matt the Rashers
15. Walt would issue a different command to Jesse
At the end of season 3, episode 12, after Walt runs over and kills the two drug dealers Jesse was on his way to kill, Walt would look at Jesse and say something very different...
16. Walt’s gambling story would be much more streamlined
Instead of a convoluted and lengthy string of lies where Walt explains that he got his gambling winnings from counting cards, Walt would just explain that his massive gambling fortune was down to Paddy Power novelty bets.
17. Mike would find somewhere else to hang out
Dark and dingy bars are too popular in Dublin for Mike to get any peace – instead, he'd hang around the brightly lit Clement and Pekoe on South William Street.
18. There would be no more trips to Belize
Saul’s euphemism that they could send someone on “…a trip to Belize,” would instead be “…a trip to Tramore”.
19. Walt would never have thrown the pizza on the roof
Walter White may be cold, calculating and completely devoid of morality... but not even he could bring himself to waste a delicious Base Woodfired Pizza like that.
20. Saul would encourage Jesse to buy a different business
Instead of the Korean nail salon, Jesse would be eyeing up Tropical Popical.
21. Walt’s alter-ego wouldn’t be Heisenberg
It would be Boyle, after noted Irish ‘Father of Chemistry’ Robert Boyle.
22. Lydia wouldn't bother with that stevia muck
Nobody in Ireland shuns Siúcra.
23. Saul’s office would be located near the Bridewell
24. Walt would focus his efforts on another addictive substance
We’re not big on meth here in Ireland, so Walt would be involved in the creation of something even more addictive.
Instead of dabbling in blue ice, he would have created an even tastier cheese and onion crisp.
25. Gus Fring’s secret underground lab would be in a different location
It would not be under a laundry, it would be under Mattress Mick’s. Which would mean that…
26. Mattress Mick would be Gus Fring
(No, we are not actually implying that Mattress Mick runs a secret criminal empire.)
27. Finally, it wouldn’t be called Breaking Bad
Instead, it would be called Actin’ The Bollix