With the season five finale of Game of Thrones fast approaching, we took it upon ourselves to speculate what the world of Westerns would be like if it was all moved to our wonderful capital city.
Potential spoilers lie within.
1. The Starks would have a very different motto.
Instead of “Winter is Coming,” the Starks would constantly say “Summer is never coming.”
2. No action would happen without comment
Every time Joffrey, Ramsey, Cersei or any other tyrant committed a heinous act on the citizenry, it would be immediately followed by someone off screen saying “Ah here, leave it out.”
3. Dáil Privilege would only get you so far
The number of TDs would diminish daily as the Ceann Comhairle constantly demanded trial by combat.
4. There would be a different leader in exile
It would be Micheál Martin across the Narrow Sea trying to build an army to retake the throne.
5. Taking the Kings Road would no longer be the most dangerous journey
That’s what the Luas Red Line is for.
6. The excessive nudity would be considerably less appealing
7. There would be a lot of misplaced weaponry
Exemplified by tweets to @LovinDublin saying “I don’t know if anyone can help, but I lost my sword in P Macs last night…”
8. There would be no water protests
The head of every anti-water protester would be on a spike on O’Connell St, and that would be the end of that.
9. The Lannisters might not get to go to war
They just wouldn’t get approval for the costs from The Troika.
10. The Master of Whisperers would be distinctly Irish
The figure of Varys; the skulking, manipulative, seer of all, who controls all information coming in and out of King’s Landing, with the ear of politicians and kings, would instead be [redacted].
11. King’s Landing would have a different nightlife
Littlefinger’s den of iniquity would be Copper Face Jacks.
12. The Wall would have been built for a different reason
The Night’s Watch on the Wall would be protecting Dublin from Meath.
13. The lands to the south would be even more exotic
Rather than Dorne, Cersei would have sent her daughter to an even more exotic and cultured, parsimonious paradise to the south of the continent.
14. There would be an even greater North/South divide
The hostility between the North and South sides – divided by the Liffey, of course – would be even more vociferous.
15. There would be no Dire Wolves
Instead, the Starks would have pit-bulls.
16. Everyone would be a White Walker
No one would be able to tell regular people apart from White Walkers due to the pasty skin of the locals.
17. A new House would enter the Frey
House Healy-Rae would be one of the most powerful families in Westeros.
18. What could be worse than Joffrey? Two Joffreys
The kingdom would still be reeling from the upheaval of the tyrannical reign of King Jedward.
19. Aidan Gillen’s accent would be even more perplexing
Aidan Gillen’s accent would be even more confusing, indecipherable and disconcerting when heard next to considerably more Irish accents.
20. There would be an even more sinister High Sparrow
Joan Burton, in a short-sighted move for power, would elevate The Iona Institute to the position of absolute moral authority, giving them ultimate power and an army.
21. The Mountain wouldn’t have lasted a day
Conor McGregor would have killed the Mountain in the first episode, just because he felt like it.
22. Dragons would be able to find guilt-free prey
Dragons would scoop up hipsters on vintage fixie bikes and no one would protest.
23. Daenerys’ language skills would be severely tested
Daenerys, having mastered several languages, would find the Dublin accent impenetrable.
24. Gerry Adams would have to face even more difficult questions
He’d consistently deny ever being a member of the Sons of the Harpy
25. Joffrey would face a different form of onslaught
Instead of faeces and mud, an angry mob of kids on bikes would throw water balloons at Joffrey’s carriage.
26. Eddard Stark would have a different fate
Instead of being executed, he’d just get a golden handshake, a hefty pension and a position on a state board or two.
27. And the Lannisters would have a different motto
28. King’s Landing would have a Temple B’aar
Temple B’aar would be marginally more civilized than its real-life namesake.
29. Westeros would have a new drink of choice
Instead of wine, the most popular drink would be Matcha tea from Kaph.
30. It wouldn’t be just assassination that would bring down a king
A succession of kings and rulers would fall, not by the sword, but by a series of humiliating interviews with Vincent Browne.
31. There would be peace… kind of
The land would be in a state of de facto peace, as every king would keep putting off their wars until after the weekend.
32. The army of the dead would be less threatening
People fleeing an army of the dead would realise at the last minute that it was just the hungover crowd arriving back from Life Festival.
33. Enda Kenny would be Enda Kenny
Enda Kenny would somehow survive until the end of the series for reasons that elude everyone.
34. And some things would still be the same
The residents of the Capital would view all those outside as dull-witted plebs, bitter and envious of their betters within the capital walls. Oh, wait. We don’t need Game of Thrones for that.