It's a truth universally acknowledged that finding a place to live in Dublin right now is about as hard as bringing the one true ring into the fires of Mordor, but this really takes the cake. 

One Lovin Dublin reader – whose name we'll omit because we really hope she finds a nice house some day – sent us this: the response she got when she expressed interest in renting a room in Dublin. Read it and weep...

Hi there,

Thanks for your interest in our ad for our room in [NAME REDACTED]. You have made it to our short list and we’d be interested in meeting to get to know you further and to show you the house. Please read the following carefully and try to understand the rules to save us all time and to give yourself the best chance for making the right impression.

I will be seeing people this afternoon from 12.40pm every 20 minutes for a 15 minute slot on a first come first serve basis with the last appointment at 8pm and I shall do the same Fri and Sat and possibly next week too. 

Please text me with your preferred slot and also an alternative slot or 2 so I can see where I can fit you in, I will try to give everyone their preferred slot but obviously there will be some times that are in high demand. 

If you are out of the country or otherwise cannot make it during these hours, please text me and explain the situation as I may be able to make appointments outside these times or we can schedule a phone or FaceTime chat.

The one thing we ask is for you to be your honest authentic self that is don’t pretend to be someone you are not.

As you can understand the market is pretty crazy right now so we are getting tons of applicants and we are really looking for the perfect person to share our home, there are so many of you who sound great that it is going to be tough so please don’t get your hopes up. The one thing we ask is for you to be your honest authentic self that is don’t pretend to be someone you are not.

A couple of house rules up front that you should consider before arranging a viewing and we will expect you to agree to before moving in…

Please consider spending time with your girlfriend / boyfriend / friends in their homes or elsewhere, rather than here all the time.

Visitors - we do not want casual hook ups being brought back to the house, for security and privacy reasons, this is not "slut shaming", you may do as you please with your body as often as you like with whoever you like, as long as it is lawful of course. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend they are welcome to come over and hang out with you sometimes, as in, within reason, but they cannot be here every day/night and they must be respectful of our space and the hours we keep, we would also like to meet them first before they stay over for the first time. Also friends, 1 or 2 from time to time is fine, gangs of friends every day not fine. With all of the above, please consider spending time with these people in their homes or elsewhere, rather than here all the time as this is not a large house. If possible, asking beforehand if it suits for someone to come over would be greatly appreciated, common courtesy basically. 

If you did not see or understand the point in the ad about “must support repealing the eighth amendment”, this means that you must support a woman’s right to choose to have an abortion (does not mean you have to have one). If you are anti-choice then please do not continue with the application process, this is a deal breaker, we don’t mind debating with people who disagree outside our home but we’d rather live with like minded people, that doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything. 

You must be LGBTQ friendly (if you don’t know what this means, please Google it), as this house is.

You must actively be trying to not be racist, sexist, or any other “ist” , and at least be aware that you may have conditioned prejudices and be trying to work on weeding them out, i.e. be self aware.

You must actively be trying to not be racist, sexist, or any other “ist” , and at least be aware that you may have conditioned prejudices and be trying to work on weeding them out, i.e. be self aware.

You must be OK with dogs (preferably love them) as we have a "fur niece" who comes to visit and also we may at some point acquire a dog but that is not certain.

The lease starts the 7th Sept and rent and deposit will be due then and for a period of 12 months. As is standard, your deposit will be kept if you do not give one months notice of your intention to leave before the 12 months is up, if you give one months notice (or more) and haven’t trashed the place then your deposit will be returned of course.

There will be more rules to agree to but they are pretty easy and standard fare and it’s all about making sure we are on the same page so that there are no misunderstandings further down the line. 

Please use WhatsApp if you have it as it’s cheaper, if you don’t know how to add people, make me a contact in your phone and I should show up in WhatsApp contacts.

So, it’s now down to you. Please don’t email as it will get lost amongst all the queries from daft, text me instead (Please use WhatsApp if you have it as it’s cheaper, if you don’t know how to add people, make me a contact in your phone and I should show up in WhatsApp contacts), as per the instructions at the beginning about time slots, or please don’t text me if you can’t agree to the conditions above. 

You will probably be meeting me first unless you come in the evening, and we will not be giving anyone answers at the first meeting as we will need a second meeting with you before we make up our minds.

Looking forward to meeting you.

Warm regards,
[NAME REDACTED]

Still interested? Sign your name in blood below the dotted line...

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