Vote YES to the Republic of Dublinia!

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Now that Scotland has shaken up the old certainties, I believe it’s time we consider the Urban/Rural divide in Ireland, and declare the Independent Republic of Dublinia. For too long Dublin has been accused, like London in the UK, of swallowing up all the taxes, people and industry in Ireland. Things have to change, mostly because I don’t want to hear about it anymore..

Take property and the economic ‘recovery’. Close to half a million people have emigrated since 2008 and things have fallen so low they simply have to go up again. But this contrived ‘boom’ is not happening down the country – ask any of them (don’t worry, they’ll tell you anyway). Only in Dublin are things starting to turn around. So, even though I have a rural background (Galway/Cavan/Roscommon), it’s time we got rid of the dead weight and made a go of it, ourselves, alone.

Before you get upset, remember that Cork started it. The ‘People’s Republic of Cork’ banged on and on about being the ‘Real’ Capital. They got all uppity and cosmopolitan, kept their streets clean and opened a slew of excellent restaurants. Then they paid off the Lonely Planet to say they were the best city in the known Universe. It was a neat trick. But I say fine – BE the real Capital of the new 25-county Republic of Ireland. The Republic of Dublinia is now it’s OWN Capital, like Monte Carlo, or Luxembourg.

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Galway and Kilkenny will be better off too. They can now call themselves ‘cities’ without hearing the sniggering of Dublin people. Yes – you were cities in medieval times, but you will never be anything but big towns, no matter how many Roundabouts and Industrial Estates you build around your outskirts. Unfortunately Tipperary town will have to be razed to the ground – it frightens tourists – who soon realize that Tipperary town is a long, long way from the Tipperary in their heads...

It won’t be easy for Dublinia. As self-declared Mayor I will have to close the Dail and have it relocated to Athlone. From Leinster House I will run the city with an Iron Fist, much like the Molly Malone statue. New laws will be passed, including making the wiping down of Dublin Bikes after use compulsory - hipsters can pass on the common cold sore as well. Restaurants that serve drinks in Jam Jars will be closed down until their owners go to IKEA and buy proper vessels made of recycled glass (James Joyce’s father lost the family so much money they had to drink out of jam-jars - it’s actually a symbol of poverty, not eco-friendliness).

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Litter will not be tolerated – anyone seen dropping rubbish on the ground will be automatically dunked in the Liffey and forced to swim around until they find and remove a shopping trolley. A team of ‘Pulled Pork’ testers will be sent around to the 4,967 Dublin restaurants serving ‘pulled’ pork and checking that it isn’t just slices of hard old roast pork that’s just been called ‘pulled’ pork. Wearing pyjamas to the shop will be an offence, as will calling something a Blaa when it’s a Bundy, not automatically toasting Bagels, or toasting the salad inside a toasted sandwich so that boiling ‘Iceberg’ lettuce greets your palate like Lava in an Ice-rink. Songs with cup-dances will be banished, as will ‘Wagon Wheel’, ‘The Joyce Country Ceili Band’ and anything by Avicii and/or Aloe Black.

If you don’t like it you can always move to Kildare, the New Jersey of Ireland. You’ll have a horse of a time. Vote for me as Mayor of the Republic of Dublinia!! The first thing I’ll do is ban elections…

Written By

Paddy Cullivan

Leader of the Camembert Quartet (Late Late Show Band), Presenter, Writer and Actor.

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