Feature

20th Dec 2016

14 Breakfast Cereals Ranked In Order Of How Acceptable They Are To Eat For Dinner

aidan

We all know that for even the most serious foodies, breakfast cereal is the true dinner of champions.

Of course, society is a judgmental beast – and not all of these bowl-based foods are equally accepted as viable sources of nutrition.

So just to keep you aware, here’s our list of 14 cereals, ranked in descending order based on how socially acceptable they are to eat for dinner.

1. Muesli

Okay sure, it’s top of the list of acceptability… but come off it. If you’re going to eat muesli for dinner, then you might as well just have actual ‘dinner’.

Bore.

2. Shredded Wheat

A fun game to play while eating Shredded Wheat is to taste some of the product, then taste some of the box, and see if you can distinguish between the two.

A fun quiz for even the most advanced palates!

3. Weetabix

So boring it doesn’t even get a picture. NEXT.

4. Shreddies

High in fibre? Check.

Knitted by grannies? Check.

Excellent work all round.

5. Corn Flakes

Seldom exciting, but they’ve always been there for us; the RTÉ Radio 1 of breakfast cereals.

Come to think of it, does that rooster mascot even have a name?

6. Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes

The 2fm of breakfast cereals; a bit more fun than its institutionalised brother, but very much within the parameters of safety and good taste.

Expertly marketed in the 1990s as “having less fat than a slice of bread with jam”, making absolutely no reference to the sugar content. Which is quite like extolling your intelligence by boasting that you are smarter than a dog.

7. Rice Krispies

It’s basically rice, with extra air.

The air, as most of us know, is added by three pixie-elves called Snap, Crackle and Pop – however, as pixie-elves are not subject to EU regulations, we can’t fully vouch for the health benefits of this particular choice.

Speaking of which…

Crackle needs to sort his life out. pic.twitter.com/WW1SRCivOQ

— Aidan (@AidanCoughlan) January 31, 2015

8. Coco Pops

These are just Rice Krispies coated in some… well it’s not chocolate.

Brown? Is ‘brown’ a food?

9. Frosties

As Mark Corrigan most expertly put it on Peep Show: “Frosties are just Corn Flakes for people who can’t face reality”.

In the complicated relationship between Cork Flakes, Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes and Frosties, these guys are very much the thick brother.

Tony the Tiger – a highly respected figure in the world of mascots, and a really nice guy who I was lucky enough to interview once – has his work cut out for him here, promoting a bowl that’s high on flavour but low on structure and complexity.

10. Corn Pops

Corn’s good for you, right?

AND Aaron Paul was in one of their ads! Surely he’d never associate his acting trade with a substance that would be bad for you… right?

11. Sugar Puffs

Leaving aside the sordid details that have recently emerged around the private life of the Honey Monster, this cereal has very little going in its favour other than its stunning honesty; they really are just puffs of sugar.

12. Banana Frosties

What.

The.

Actual.

Fuck.

13. Banana Bubbles

This short-lived Kellogg’s hit from the early 1990s – which was made using real bananas, in much the same way as I am the Pope – was advertised as “the cereal that thinks it’s a milkshake”.

“I don’t know whether to use a spoon or a straw,” posited the ad’s star, thus giving rise to the debate that would define a generation.