16 Signs That Christmas Has Defeated You

Well, it’s happened. Christmas has come and Christmas has gone, and you’ve survived the madness. Somehow. 

You’ve met with the aunties and sent the cards and some of you may have even frequented mass. What a feast for the senses you’ve been through. But all feasts take their toll. You’ve somehow lost your Christmas sparkle somewhere between hearing carol singers and being poor as fuck.

Good news – you are not alone my friend. We’re all up and down at the best of times. Take a look and see if any of these describe you too.

1. The thought of another turkey sandwich makes you want to turn vegetarian

And ham? Vegan.

2. The sound of sleigh bells toys with your gag reflex 

Warm and fuzzy feeling? More like tepid and coarse.

3. You start to question the validity of tinsel

Who on Earth found necessity in this failed aluminium foil?

4. You identify more with Scrooge than Tiny Tim

Scrooge at the start, that is.

5. Going out is a chore 

Your lair has doubled in size since Christmas Eve and you’re not willing to see it shrink in either style nor stature.

6. You can no longer wear jeans

Purely because you have found a new inner truth and are rebelling against the restricting tendencies of zippers and denim.

… or something like that.

7. You start to forget what a gym is

And when you realise, you shudder.

8. Finding €2 down the couch makes your month

Your poor, penniless month.

9. You become proud of your dedicated beer belly

Or daiquiri belly, for the hunzos.

10. You’ve taken back up all of your old childhood hobbies…

And have given out bloody murder to your parents for never forcing you into keeping up the fiddle.

11. …only to never touch them again

It’s your parents’ fault anyway. They dimmed your shining light.

12. You’ve seen, and re-seen, every photo ever taken of you since the dawn of time

And wondered what went wrong.

13. You genuinely worry about how you’re going to get into routine again

Up at 7am? Well that’s practically midnight!

14. Hiding in your room has become your joie de vivre

For it is your Olympic sport. And you, its Usain Bolt.

15. You fear that your body might now be 80% mince pie

But you ain’t complainin’.

16. And finally, you start to think Kevin McAllister actually deserved it

Little gobshite.