The sight, the smell, the texture… the taste.
Everything about the 3-in-1 is so wrong – and yet, somehow, it’s managed to elevate itself to some lofty status within Irish life, alongside Tayto, Barry’s Tea and shifting in Coppers.
Well, I’m calling it right now: the Emperor is in the nip. And here are nine reasons why.
1. Non-chipper chips are a waste of time
THIS is how chips are supposed to look.
Chips in 3-in-1s never, ever look like this.
2. Chips and rice should quite simply not occupy space on the same plate/box/tin
Like Sexton and O’Gara in their playing days, or your current girlfriend and your ex, it’s absolutely fine that both of these things co-exist – but they’re not supposed to actually fucking be in the same place at any point.
3. Curry sauce is the taste of the 1970s
Things have moved on since then.
4. They’re devoid of any colour other than beige
Would it really kill them to add a few spinach leaves? Even a symbolic coriander leaf as a garnish, just to pretend?
5. They’re devoid of any texture other than squelch
Biting into it feels like rubbing your teeth off the sleeve of your school uniform. Remember that?
View this post on Instagram
6. It has its own name and really shouldn’t
3-in-1 implies some sort of thematic unity; some ancient mysticism, some air of magic that counfounded the Elders.
This is like someone trying to sell you a shoe, a horse and a HMV voucher and telling you they work really well together.
— NEO (@WELCOME_ZIDANE) August 20, 2015
7. Chicken balls come as extra
Whoa, whoa, whoa… you want me to pay extra for the pleasure of adding the single most disgusting item of food ever created?
YOU SHOULD BE PAYING ME TO EAT THAT SHIT!
8. They look like an accident
Maybe they are an accident.
Photo: JZivvi on Twitter
9. They look like sadness
They are sadness.
Main pic: calum_shoodgirl/Twitter