Here's The Hourly Breakdown Of Your Christmas Day
Does this sound about right?
The big day has finally arrived!
We still look forward to Christmas with the excitement of a 5-year-old waiting to catch Santa in the act of laying out the gifts, despite the fact that the big day follows a pretty consistent pattern.
Here's how it'll probably pan out…
7am: Woken up by younger humans in the house excited for presents, you scramble downstairs to check out this year's haul of pressies. You're hoping for a fixie bike, but in reality you're probably just going to get some perfume and maybe some pyjamas from Penneys.
8am: With enough new books to do you 'til next Christmas under the tree, you start reading the most appealing title so Santa doesn't think you're an ungrateful little twerp. In reality, you're still half asleep so you have a cheeky nap behind the book.
9am: Battle stations are go in the kitchen as a breakfast of epic proportions is prepared. You decide there's far too many people in there already and that they've probably got it sorted, so you go suss out what DVDs will be watched later on today.
10am: You eat a huge fry up with the whole works, including Christmas pud and three refills of tea. The meat sweats start to set in. Your mother mentions that dinner will be in about four hours and you wonder how you could possibly find your appetite in such a short space of time.
11am: You settle down on the living room couch and whip out your phone to see what's going on with everybody else. All your various social media feeds are filled with competitive posts of who got the best presents and who's being more Christmassy, you opt out and fling on the telly instead.
12pm: You're dragged against your will out into the freezing cold for the obligatory Christmas swim. The only reason you agreed to do so is because someone told you there would be hot whiskey involved. Now you're turning blue with the cold and not a flask in sight.
1pm: You head home for a hot shower and throw on your new PJs. The couch is looking pretty good right now, so you sit yourself down and demand one of your siblings makes you a hot (preferably alcoholic) drink. You did just jump in freezing waters after all.
2pm: Your mammy requests that you help her in the kitchen, but you pretend to help your dad out in the garage "getting more fire wood", then sneak in the back door and head up to your bedroom for some alone time with your beloved Netflix.
3pm: Glasses of Cava and smoked salmon on brown bread start floating around your house. The fire is lit and you're nicely toasty watching Home Alone as delicious smells waft in from the kitchen.
4pm: Dinner is finally ready, and you pile your plate high and drown it in gravy. Halfway through you realise you have grossly overestimated your consumption capabilities. For the rest of the meal your food sits there taunting you, as you plough through an impressive amount of red wine.
5pm: You have well and truly hit a wall. The food coma combines with exhaustion and you flake out. One of your family members comes out with a scientific tidbit about how there's some chemical in turkey that actually makes you sleepy, but you don't really listen because you can't… keep… your… eyes… open.
6pm: You wake up with a jolt from your turkey-induced nap and a tin of Roses has magically appeared on your lap. You dare not interfere with the will of the universe so you tuck right in. Your mam and auntie are getting stuck into the Baileys with hilarious consequences.
7pm: Sick of having to go back and forth from the kitchen, you fill a cooler box with beers and plonk it in the living room as you and the gang watch Brave on RTÉ 2.
8pm: The warmth of the room, combined with the satisfaction of being so comfortable and slightly tipsy makes you really appreciate just how great your family are. You decide to vocalise these warm fuzzies, then have to put up with a torrent of slagging and abuse from everyone.
9pm: Strangely enough, you're kinda feeling peckish again so you start sniffing around the leftovers. A few sandwiches with stuffing and turkey, and you've banished those hunger pangs into eternity.
10pm: While you wish you could stay up for a few more hours and actually watch something good, your body is not obliging. It's off to bed with you once you climb Mount Everest (AKA the one flight of stairs to your room).
Long story short, it's going to be a good day.
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