There are two kinds of burrito eaters in this world. Those who turn up the spice, and those who don’t. Ask yourself: who do you want to be?
Dublin’s romance with burritos began not too long ago, but already there are hundreds of combinations for every mood, every craving, every notion.
Here is our Ultimate Burrito Scale.
0 – 20: Weak
What’s inside:
- FORMAT: Salad bowl
- MEAT: Just chicken please
- FILLING: Sautéed peppers
- SALSA: Corn and tomato
- EXTRAS: Cheese and guac
The perfect burrito for: A beginner and plain Jane. You’re The Basic Guacamole Bitch, but you have aspirations for the future of your palate.
Some day, somewhere, you will eat that spicy, bean bursting burrito of your dreams.
Bravocado my friend, bravocado.
20 – 40: Do you even burrito?
What’s inside:
- FORMAT: White tortilla burrito
- MEAT: Pulled pork
- FILLING: Brown rice and black beans
- SALSA: What’s salsa?
- EXTRAS: Sour cream, light cheese and a diet Coke
WHERE’S THE SALSA? WHERE’S THE GUAC? WHERE IS THE FLAAAAAME?
The perfect burrito for: The person who Snapchats their Mexican treat with the caption “do you even burrito?”, but does not truly believe in the burrito.
You might as well just get a salad bowl. Get out my sight, you disgust me.
40 – 60: Delicate enough
What’s inside:
- FORMAT: Toasted corn tortilla
- MEAT: Shredded beef
- FILLING: Mexican rice, extra pinto beans and veg
- SALSA: Fuck no
- EXTRAS: Guac and salad
The perfect burrito for: When the Jäger is still pulsing through your veins after a rough night on the town. Your violent hangover means one thing and one thing only: it’s burrito time.
Unfortunately for you, however, you’re a delicate flower with the most fragile of tummies, so you should really stay away from the spice.
Damaged stomach lining aside, you’ll always manage to douse hot sauce on your burrito every time a hottie walks past. Playa.
60 – 80: Fairly feckin’ shpicy
What’s inside:
- FORMAT: Burrito baby
- MEAT: Pulled pork and shredded beef with extra pork and beef
- FILLING: As many beans as can fit in that cylindrical bundle of heaven
- SALSA: Two spice levels, a scoop of each
- EXTRAS: Fuck extras, the best things in life are free (hot sauce and more hot sauce)
All right, all right, all right. We’re kind of impressed.
The perfect burrito for: When you wanna feel productive, like you’ve achieved something to proud of. Fair play. You’ve earned a spot on the scale my spicy amigo.
80 – 100: Burrito Hell
What’s inside:
- FORMAT: A tightly wrapped, expertly constructed burrito of dreams
- MEAT: Chilli beef with pulled pork. YES.
- FILLING: Pinto beans, black beans. No veg, no rice.
- SALSA: XXX extra spicy salsa roja with tears on the side
- EXTRAS: two fistfuls of jalapeños and a half a bottle of hot sauce
The perfect burrito for: When you need to go to your safe place.
The spiciest place of them all. Where the salsa and jalapeños come in buckets, hot sauce is by the litre and hallucinations come in waves.
A place where you can sit in the comfort of your own sweat and tears: burrito Hell (in a good way). Where the spiciest burritos go to be cherished, loved and devoured.
Somebody call the fire brigade, because you’re one hot habanero hoe –independent, fierce, and most of all, fiery feckin’ hot.
You’ve made it through The Ultimate Burrito Scale and we respect you for making it this far.
So ladies and gents, next time you’re faced with all the decisions that come with building a beaut of a burrito just ask yourself: who am I? What burrito can I be proud to say I ate? And how much for extras?
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