You can pretend all you like that you don't watch GBBO but the fact of the matter is that all of Britain and Ireland are gripped with Bake Off fever. My housemates disdainfully rolled their eyes when I flicked it on for the first time a few years ago, but after about 5 minutes they were on the edges of their seats... Will the soufflé flop? Will the crème pâtissière ever thicken? Or in the case of last night's show... Will the ice cream for the baked Alaska stop bloody melting!? It all sounds really silly I know, but watch just one episode and you'll be hooked. It's as gripping as X-Factor was when Cheryl was a judge first time around. But before you start you need to know a few key things about GBBO.
Paul Hollywood Makes Love To The Camera With His Eyes
There's no doubt that Paul Hollywood thinks he's a sexpot. It's in his eyes as he sinks his teeth into some creamy buns, never taking his steely gaze off the camera for a second. He's also fond of a friendly flirt with all the young women... The George Clooney of the baking world? Well he seems to think so.
Speaking Of Paul Hollywood - DON'T Try To Tell Him Anything About Bread
Some contestants occasionally try to school him on the variety of bread they're making and he just goes ahead and tears them a new one. He can be a bit of a show off, don't get us started on his kneading of bread two loaves at a time every other episode. We get it Paul, you make good bread. Move on.
The Usual Suspects
Every season you can expect the same type of characters. There will be the macho man who is either a builder, electrician or plumber who despite preconceptions manages to whip up the most exquisite, detailed little cakes. There is always a very young girl or guy who is timid as a mouse yet deceptively experienced for their age. You can guarantee there will be an eccentric odd ball who fills the "I'm kooky" slot. You'll have a soft spot for the variety of mum and granddad types too.
Mary Berry's Dentures
There's nothing more worrying than watching Mary Berry biting into a rock bun, all those crusts wreak havoc with dentures. You can see the way she tactfully chews from the side of her mouth. No accidents yet but we're just waiting for the day a rogue toffee pulls the full set from her gums.
The Dreaded Soggy Bottoms
To be honest, we could have a field day with all the innuendos in this show. However, there is nothing like the two dreaded words 'soggy bottom' to instil the fear of God into contestants eyes. Every contestant is eternally striving for a flaky, crispy pastry... If it's soggy they may as well just pack their bags.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a craving for something sweet after all this cake talk so I might well get out my spatula and piping bag. Get ready... Set... Bake!