Yokes, Totes and Vlad The Impregnator: Your Guide To This Weekend’s Pub Talk

Every week, we bring you your cheat-sheet to tonight’s pub conversations – the things you just know are going to come up, and how you can bluff your way through them even if you haven’t been following the news (or the internet) too closely this week…

#Yokegate

Will there ever be another talking point quite like this one? Really, like? The inadvertent legalisation of several drugs – including ecstacy and crystal meth – may have lasted just over 24 hours, but it made headlines all over the world and forced us all to accept that we really do live in one of the strangest countries on the planet.

• Do say: “Did you have any yokes?”
• Don’t say: “Have you got any yokes?”

#BackingGreen

We’re all fired up for today’s crunch encounter with the Welsh – Ireland will need to be on top form to take down the championship hopefuls in their own back yard, but they’ve sure as hell got the nation behind them, and the atmosphere in the city today is palpable.

But don’t forget it’s not the only must-win affair for the Boys in Green over the next 24 hours. At 3.30 tomorrow morning, the cricket team take on Pakistan in the final pool game of the Cricket World Cup – a point would see us through to the quarter-finals, which would be a truly historic moment for the country’s most unsung sport.

On St Patrick’s Day in 2007, we lost the Six Nations in the afternoon, then beat Pakistan in cricket later that evening – can we make it two from two this time?

Brush up on your Welsh slang here – and brush up on your cricket lingo here.

• Do say: “Coppers is closed… everyone back to mine for the cricket!”
• Don’t say: “We’re gonna walk this Welsh game.”

#TonyFenton

The former 2fm and Today FM DJ passed away this week, at the all-too-young age of 53. His voice was absolutely iconic on Irish airwaves, and he’ll really and truly be missed. Raise a glass to him this weekend.

#ReNua (and THAT radio interview)

The new political party, fronted by Lucinda Creighton following her expulsion from Fine Gael over abortion, launched properly this week – that is to say they now have a name, a logo and some policies.

It wasn’t the best of starts for the party, however, as Dublin TD Terence Flanagan had what was described as a “meltdown” live on RTÉ Radio yesterday evening. Pretty painful listening, but if you’re willing to cringe you can listen here…

• Do say: “Well, their name is a pretty good bilingual pun. I’ll give them that much.”
• Don’t say: “They’ve really nailed the whole women’s rights thing.”

#Cheltenham

Is there anyone in the country who didn’t take a punt on the Gold Cup? Gloat about your wins, moan about your losses, but please, don’t go into detail about the race itself.

• Do say: “I won a ton on the Gold Cup!”
• Don’t say: “Let me tell you in great detail about the thought process behind my bet.”

#VladTheImpregnator

There have been reports right across Europe that former Olympic gymnast Alina Kabayeva has had a child. Naturally, this wouldn’t normally be worth commenting on – only in this instance, the father is said to be none other than the Russian Supreme Leader… sorry, president… Vladimir Putin.

The story originated in a Swiss newspaper, and spread so quickly that the Kremlin were forced to issue a statement denying that this was the reason Putin hasn’t been seen in public since March 5.

• Do say: “I warned that pair not to go Russian into things!” (Hold out your hand for a high-five after delivering this doozy)
• Don’t say: “I wish I was the one to bear that child.”