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If Irish Political Parties Were Actual Parties, This Is What They'd Be Like Right Now

By aidan

December 20, 2016 at 12:10am

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The season is once again upon us. It's time for the Irish people to decide what party they want to attend. 

So who is hosting this year and where should we go? Daniel Brady kindly got in touch to provide this handy guide...

Fine Gael

So first off, there will be a cover charge.

They say it's a necessary evil after the last organizers took the piss and blew the budget on balloons and ice sculptures. It will be pretty dry, home by 11:30 and if you try to change the playlist they'll call the cops themselves

Finegael

Labour

They've co-hosted with FG for the last few years. Strict BYOB policy.

Promised fun and freebies before hosting but turned out to be just as strict and stingy as FG.

Lab

Fianna Fáil

Last time they hosted it started off brilliantly, loads of free booze, food and goodie bags... and not the cheap stuff either!

Got a little out of hand though. Ended up burning the house down.

Then they panicked, invited their dodgy mates round who robbed all the guests to try pay for the damage.

Ff1

Sinn Féin

Yet to host but making some big promises i.e. no cover charge and lots of freebies; a somewhat questionable business model but we do love free stuff.

Many remain hesitant to attend, however, due to a nasty rumour that someone produced a gun at one of their events back in the day. 

Ff

The Greens

Party where unicorns are most likely to be discussed. BYO paper cups and plates. Very strict on recycling said paper cups and plates. No craic. 

Sf

The Indies

Not interested in attending any party? More fond of a quiet chat?

Then perhaps go down the Independent route.

You could meet in the park for a tin foil wrapped sandwich and ponder the true meaning and value of Ulysses in a post 9/11 Western democracy. Stimulating, yes, but absolutely pointless.

Indies

So they're your options Ireland.

Personally, I think I'd prefer to have my own party. Or go visit the cousins in London.

Follow Daniel on Twitter: @danjbrady

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