How many 2015 prediction lists have you read so far?
It's ok, you can tell me. Every year I get through endless repetitions of the same article, to the point where compiling a list of lists begins to seem like a good idea.
The best are those articles that are absurdly specific: I find digital marketing blogs are especially prone to bombastic claims that 'print media will return' or 'Google will acquire Twitter'.
Music writers are just as guilty of hyperbole: 'Lyrics will matter more than ever'? 'The whole trap-rave movement will reach saturation….' Ahem. And nobody ever even checks back at the end of the year to see if the Internet of Things or 'sentient watches' or Rita Ora have actually broken into the mainstream yet.
Which brings me to my own cultural predictions for 2015. They're absolutely accurate, readers, I swear. As with anything you read on the internet, you can trust these 100%
- Mince will be repackaged and sold by butchers as 'pulled beef'
- Journalists will begin to write think pieces about the Male Basic Bitch (he likes Russell Brand, 'IFL Science', mainstream hip-hop and energy drinks. He secretly really misses Entourage...).
- In celebrity news, Shia LaBeouf will be revealed to be an actual cannibal, and Ariana Grande will be revealed to be a giant baby.
- Taylor Swift will write a breakup album about Spotify.
- A polar vortex will consume us all, prompting a trend for Peig Sayers-style shawls and thick woollen socks.
- 'Fetch' will finally happen. 'Mocal' will not.
- 'Marsala' has been declared the colour of 2015 by Pantone. Say it, slowly. Mar-saaaa-la. Look at all these happy Marsala people in Pantone's press release, living elegant Marsala lives. Marsala is the colour of the walls of your second living room. Marsala is the colour of a sex bruise. Throw out all your Radiant Orchid clothes from 2014 and replace them with Marsala. Do it now.
- Cannoli is the new cupcake. But candied cheese inside a pastry is disgusting, and nobody really liked cupcakes much to begin with. Let's just skip the whole 'new cupcake' thing this year...
- Inherent Vice will be really, really good.
- That scene with Cersei in Game of Thrones will get everybody talking.
- Sagittarius, this will not be a good year for you. Maybe just stay at home this year, Sagittarius.
- People will realize they hardly watch TV shows on TV anymore, and will take to the streets to protest paying for licenses. These will be later called 'The Netflix Riots'.
- Bebo will return.
- So will SMS texting (Dear god, I am not able. So much regression to my Nokia years…)
- Apple will be criticised for the introduction of a new 'subliminal music' service where iPads, iPhones and laptops play the new U2 album while you sleep.
- Longform journalism will get longer, giving rise to a new kind of online Sunday reading called 'novelform' where it will be socially acceptable to tweet the story about before you have finished reading it.
- A 9-part podcast about life at a breakfast cafe in Shoreditch will rise to the top of iTunes. Called 'Cereal', naturally.
- I will be fired for writing unforgivable puns.
Check back soon to see if any of these predictions actually come true. And in the meantime, happy 2015, Lovin Dublin readers!