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20th Dec 2016

Holy Shitballs Scallops – How To Be A Professional Chef In 20 Minutes


  • Scallops
  • Black Pudding
  • Green Salad (Fancy Stuff)
  • 2 Apples
  • Really Good Balsamic
  • Sugar

We go to restaurants because they can cook fancy ass shit that none of us can make at home. I’ve seen this starter on menus hundreds of times with slightly different tweaks and it usually costs about 15 Euros to eat. Now that is a shit load of money in anyone’s books for a bit of grub and I wanted to demystify it all and give you an idiot’s guide to cooking fancy food at home. I normally share the stupidly simple shit here but make no mistake about it, this is the fancy shit. The dinner party dish to wow the neighbours with. The dish that gets you the dream girl. The once in a lifetime home cooked wonder. You have no idea how fucking simple this is and with just 6 ingredients you’ll have people thinking you went on a 12 week cookery course. All sorts of epic…


Step 1

The ingredients are so simple and the only thing I would say is spend a lot on getting a really good top end aged balsamic. It should be syrupy. It won’t be cheap but you can use it for all sorts of shit.


Step 2

Grab the apples out and peel the bastards.


Step 3

Cut out the cores and leave them in quarters.


Step 4

Chop them into nice even sized pieces.


Step 5

Lash a bit of oil into a pot over a medium heat. Not exactly 3 michelin star 10 years of training to be a chef shit so far is it?


Step 6

At the same time fuck on a frying pan with a small amount of oil. Medium heat.


Step 7

At the same time fuck on a frying pan with a small amount of oil. Medium heat.


Step 8

Get the black pudding out and slice it into nice little round pieces. They do this in cafes all over the land so believe me this isn’t rocket science.


Step 9

Pop it into the frying pan. This is about the easiest thing to cook in the world. Easier than boiling water.


Step 10

The scallops need a little prep. This is the only cheffy thing. Using your hands whip the orange part off. Easy. There is also a muscly piece on the right. Pull it off to only leave the flesh.


Step 11

Your scallops should look like this. Pure meat. They should have taken you no more than 60 seconds to prep.


Step 12

Season the bastards up with salt, pepper and a little drizzle of oil.


Step 13

The apples will have taken about 7 or 8 minutes to cook. All you are doing is warming the fuckers up, softening them and caramelizing the sugar. Simples.


Step 14

Flip the pudding so as it is cooked on both sides.


Step 15

Thats it on the apples and pudding. Whip them off the heat. 50% of the way there!


Step 16

Clean the frying pan out and heat it up with a little oil. Tiny weeney bit.


Step 17

Lash a bit of the salad onto the plate. Straight out of the bag.


Step 18

Lash the a couple of pieces of pudding around the sides and for god sake be careful. It might taste nice but it has to look clean and slick too if you are to get the ride.


Step 19

Little spoon of apple onto each pudding.


Step 20

Now the scallops couldn’t be easier. The hottest pan you have ever seen. The smoke alarm needs to be going and the windows / doors open at this stage. Piping hot and then fuck them in.


Step 21

Do not touch them once. Don’t even get tempted. Let them cook on the absolute full heat for 2 minutes without even looking once. This is the key. You’ll be tempted but don’t look. When they are golden brown flip the bastards.


Step 22

Cook for about another 30 seconds MAX!!!!!! on the other side and the take them off.


Step 23

Pop one onto each black pudding.


Step 24

It is a ready made sauce and if you did as I said it won’t look like a dogs dinner and will be as pretty as a restaurant dish.


Step 25

It is a ready made sauce and if you did as I said it won’t look like a dogs dinner and will be as pretty as a restaurant dish.


Step 26

Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver, Dylan Mcgrath and any other top chef eat your fucking heart out!! We’ve cracked your secrets!!! Every home chef in the country knows all your secrets. BOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!


Now you are probably reading this recipe or drooling in work thinking “Holy shit this is too good to be true and there must be some sort of catch” but there really isn’t. It really is just this simple. When you sit down and eat this you’ll suddenly realise that most chefs are not the smartest people in the world and that good food can be cooked by anybody. Off the charts fucking delicious!