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20th Dec 2016

Don’t Buy The Crap In Jar – THIS Is How You Make Killer Guacamole In Three Minutes


  • 2 Very ripe avocados (don’t even think about making this with hard ones)
  • 1 Red chili
  • 1 Red onion
  • 1 Clove of garlic
  • 3 limes
  • 1 Bunch coriander
  • Sea Salt

Nothing annoys me more than the shit guacamole that comes pre prepared in the little tubs in supermarkets. It tastes like complete and utter… nothingness.

Worse again, look at the ingredients and you’ll see that there are about three types of cream in there! Cream in guacamole? The cartel would have your head off for less.

Never fear, though, because this is the most simple and delicious recipe you will ever taste – and once you’ve tried it you’ll be wondering why you’d never gone down this route before now.


Step 1

The ingredients are really simple but please, whatever you do, don’t try and make this with the hard avocados the supermarkets try to sell you. Find the more expensive ones that are soft to the touch. Very soft.


Step 2

Cut the chili in half and remove the tip. If you like heat then leave the seeds in. If you don’t, take them out. Simple


Step 3

Chop the shit out of it until it’s tiny.


Step 4

Take a tiny piece off the top and the bottom of the avocado. This is so it balances nicely on your chopping board


Step 5

Run your knife around the outside of the avocado. If it’s really ripe, you’ll be able to pull the skin right off with your hands.


Step 6

You should be left with two gorgeous looking ripe avocados with their skin off


Step 7

There’s a big awkward bastard of a stone in the middle. Run your knife around it cutting in as far as possible.


Step 8

Split them in half and throw the big ugly bastard of a stone in the bin.


Step 9

Using your knife and a big chopping board cut the avocado up in to nice small pieces. About the size of an M&M each


Step 10

Lash the chili up on top.


Step 11

Chop your limes in half and squeeze the bastards all over the avocado mix. Not only will this help the taste but it makes sure your mix doesn’t go brown and look like… y’know.


Step 12

Peel your clove of garlic. If you don’t know how to do that, you should really give up cooking


Step 13

Chop the garlic up real small and grab a good healthy pinch of sea salt or rough salt. Lash both those in to the mix on the chopping board.


Step 14

Mix all those nice ingredients in using the knife. Give it a good chop and get it all a little bit finer making sure all the flavours are evenly mixed in


Step 15

Pick the coriander leaves off the stems and crump them in to a big bunch.


Step 16

Chop the shit out of the coriander


Step 17

Peel and chop up the red onion as small as you can


Step 18

Using your knife mix the coriander in with the red onion and avocado. Dont go bat shit crazy on the chopping at this stage. Just enough to mix it all together evenly.


Step 19

Boom. You’ve done it. Now serve it up in a big bowl and pat yourself on the back.


Thats it. Mega fucking tasty. Play around with the lime and salt until it tastes perfect. You could serve this with fish, chicken, veggies or even just with some corn chips or nachos in a big bowl for a game.

One thing is for sure – once you taste this you won’t be going back to that muck they serve in jars. This is the real deal.