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20th Dec 2016

?27 Times When American Breakfast Cereals Just Took The Absolute Piss


Let’s face it: nobody does indulgent food quite like the American.

And when it comes to the most important meal of the day, never mind bacon, pancakes and steak – instead it’s all about this staggering array of cereals
that generally contain about 8,000% of you daily recommended sugar intake.

Here are 27 examples where cereals in the land of the free really took the piss.

1. OJs

If you like having a glass of orange juice with your cereal in
the morning, why not cut out the middle man and just pour the glass directly into
your cereal?

How could that be anything other than delicious?


2. French Toast Crunch

A product that was discontinued until recently, when it enjoyed a most-unexpected revival; the Fianna Fáil of cereals.

Probably the worst offender on the list as they clearly realised they’d created a monster, only to bring it back from the dead to terrorise tastebuds and teeth again.


3. Dunkin Donuts cereal

Do you feel bad when you have a donut for breakfast? Worry no more. You can now have a bowl of donuts guilt-free as it says ‘cereal’ right there on the box.


4. Batman Returns Cereal

Up until this point I bet you didn’t realise that cereals could have sequels.


5. King Vitaman

“Should we put a cute cartoon mascot on the box?”

“Don’t be silly, we’ll put an OAP in a cheap outfit and to top it off we’ll give a free royal racing coach in every box.”


6. Liquid Cereal

Too busy for cereal in the morning? Are you blessed with the absence of a gag reflex? Then I have just the cereal for you.


7. Oops All Berries

“Hey Cap’n. Look we’re a little bit worried the regular Cap’n Crunch Berries cereal contains plain ol’ Cap’n Crunch and we’re not efficiently delivering the correct amount of pure undiluted sugar and food colouring to our customers. Any ideas?”

“All berries?”

“You’re a genius Cap’n. You’ll make Admiral yet!”


8. New Kids on the Block Cereal

It never made it to shelves. Possibly because it wasn’t made of The Right Stuff. Even though we all said “Baby I Believe in You,” and “Please Don’t Go Girl,” it failed to materialise and faded into memory.

And as of yet no one has said “Let’s Try it Again” – something that sadly can’t be said for the band itself.


9. Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs

“Hey could I get a box of Grins & Giggles & Lols & um… you know what, forget it. I’ll just have Corn Flakes.”


10. Nerds

You may be familiar with the sickening Nerds candy that made you wince from the sheer sugar overload if you ate too many at once (ie, if you ate one).

Now imagine you could have a whole bowl of them with milk? Damn, we missed out on this side of the Atlantic.


11. Dinersaurs

The spelling is egregious enough. Never mind the fact that the box makes it seem like carnivorous and herbivore dinosaurs would be able to live amicably side by side – but it also takes things a step further, and insinuates that they’d also be able to successfully run a diner. A diner that exclusively served cereal.

Come on.


12. Gremlins

Don’t eat them after midnight


13. Cupcake Pebbles

“No Pebbles, you can’t put cupcakes into your cereal, that’s ridiculous. No, put them back. I’m warning you once. Okay twice. Okay fine. I suppose it’s not the worst thing you could put in there.”


14. Poppin Pebbles

“Oh God damn it Pebbles.”


15. Crazy Cow

It turns your milk into strawberry milk. Interestingly, the cow was perfectly sane before it tried a bowl.


16. Nintendo cereals

Look the cereal might be fine, and Mario and Link wouldn’t be the first characters to get their own cereal.

My issue with this all boils down to the phrase “Nintendo Cereal System”.


17. Kream Krunch

The nightmarish mascot of Kream Krunch was conceived as it appeared in a vision to the creator after he was forced to eat an entire box in one sitting.


18. Christmas Crunch

“Hey Cap’n, it’s us again. We were thinking that we could still make our cereal more sickening and possibly make it festive to tie in with the whole over-indulgence at Christmas theme. Any ideas?”

“Well we could lather it in frosting?”

“Sir, you’ve outdone yourself this time.”


19. Pop-Tarts Crunch

Have you ever eaten a Pop Tart and thought to yourself it would be so much better if it was cold and left soaking in milk for a few minutes?

You’re in luck.


20. Oreos O’s

It says “Extreme Creme Taste,” like that’s a good thing.


21. Swirlz

They look a bit… you know… shit.


22. Quake

Mystifyingly failed to ignite a franchise of natural disaster-related cereals.

22-Quake Cereal Box

23. Reese’s Puffs

You don’t need to go these convoluted ends to eat sweets for breakfast. You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. Own it.


24. Rocky Road

You’d have to wonder how anyone thought making a cereal with chocolate covered marshmallows was a good idea.


25. Smores

You’d have to wonder how two separate companies thought making a cereal with chocolate covered marshmallows was a good idea.


26. Sugar Krinkles

Now you can enjoy breakfast at any time of the day as you’ll never sleep again due to the terrifying visage of the Sugar Krinkles clown invading your dreams.


27. Kellog’s Lip Balm

Finally, though not technically a cereal, when it comes to cereal related products taking the absolute piss, I think Kellog’s range of cereal flavoured lip balms takes the prize.


Of course, there’s far more to American cuisine than crappy breakfast cereals – and we want to bring it to you in all its glory this July 4, in association with Eddie Rockets.

Click here to find out more.