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Ten Thoughts Every Irish Person Has Had On a First Date

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First dates are a tricky business.

The whole “be yourself” malarkey just isn’t realistic when you feel like the entire restaurant is hanging on your every word and sarcasm is your only conversational crutch (you’re Irish, you can’t help it).

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, we’ve rounded up ten thoughts every Irish person has had on a first date so that you know that you’re not alone.

Even though, you know, you’re afraid of being alone forever.

1. Not a chance I’m stepping foot inside on my own. I’ll wait at the door.

The absolute mortification of walking through a crowd of people on my tobler, clearly for a date, is far worse than the possibility of being forever alone.

Much safer to wait a good five steps from the door, looking very busy on the phone.

2. But how will we greet each other?

The French do a kiss on both cheeks. The Americans give a friendly hug. The Irish? We’ll probably grab the person’s finger, kiss them on the ear, and then think about it for the rest of the evening.

3. Don’t be negative. Don’t be negative. Don’t be….

“The STTTAAAAAAATE of the weather”.

We have no control over the urge to moan. We’re just passengers.

4. Thank GOD, the menus have arrived. I can hide for five minutes.

Sometimes we just need a prop to ease the awkwardness. Five minutes to regroup behind the menu works wonders after the sweat of walking in and sitting down. Taxing work.

5. Well, now we’ve ordered. I guess there’s nothing left to do but… talk.

“So… what’s your favourite radio station in the morning?”

6. Is it obvious we’re on a date?

There’s a definite look of pity on that woman’s face. She knows. They all know.

7. Where do I know you from?

Definitely familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it.

8. Is it too soon to order another glass of wine?

Why are they drinking so slowwwlyyy?

9. My bestie shifted you in college.

That’s where I know you from. Definitely need another wine, stat.

10. I think the couple beside us are on a date, too.

But who’s laughing more? Are they getting on better than us? Let the games commence.

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