They say moving house is one of the most traumatic experiences that a person will go through in their lifetime.
And in particular, anyone has been looking for a house in Dublin lately will surely agree.
From viewing ‘cosy’ studio apartments that make you feel like you’ve been buried alive to handing over a year’s wages for a deposit, here are the 23 stages that absolutely every house-hunter will go through in their bid to find a place called home.
1. The moment of truth
Maybe you’ve moved across the country or maybe you just can’t stand your passive-aggressive clean freak housemate anyway – either way, you’ve been forced to accept: it’s time to find a new place.
Time to get packing.
2. The ‘simple’ wishlist
What do you need? Somewhere right in the heart of Ranelagh with a double room, decent common area, a few sound flatmates and a rent that doesn’t require a second job. Not much to ask.
3. The foolish enthusiasm
Maybe the new place will have a bit of outdoor space… and maybe a fire. Yeah. I definitely need a fire.
4. The first step
Hi Enthusiast House-hunter, meet DAFT.ie. This is a website that will crush all of your dreams at the mere touch of a button.
5. The disbelief
How in the name of all that is holy can there be only three listings for a two-bed apartment under €1,500?!
It must be broken or something…
6. The slow realisation
Oh, it’s not.
You just can’t rent in this part of Dublin now unless you earn in a month what Denis O’Brien makes in a year.
7. The false start
That one’s lovely… and cheap!
And… built on to the side of a crematorium… and the bathroom is in a separate room… which is a shed… at the end of the garden. Never mind.
8. The dead silence
It’s the perfect house, only a few hundred people have viewed the ad – this is the one, you can feel it. You send off a message and are met with… nothing.
Why does this hurt so much?
9. The settling
Terenure is pretty much the same as Ranelagh, right?
10. The first viewings
You have five apartments to look at over the weekend.
One of them will be great and you’ll be moved in by the end of next week. People were really exaggerating about this lack of housing – there are loads of options!
11. The ambivalence
The first one is nice, ticks the boxes but there’s nothing really special about it. You can do better than this.
12. The settling #2
Knocklyon is pretty much the same as Terenure, right?
13. The dawning realisation
Oh is it that one there? That looks lovely. No, it’s the dingy one beside it. No, it’s a converted apartment inside the dingy one. Is that a washing machine in the bedroom?
14. The panic
Sh*te, that first one wasn’t so bad. Why aren’t they answering the phone now? Damn it.
NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!
15. The settling #3
Stepaside is pretty much the same as Knocklyon, right?
16. The envy
Who are those other people waiting? That couple look more responsible than us… they’ll probably get the place now.
17. The elation
You’ve found the one! It’s clean, reasonable and in your dream area. Well, kinda.
Better still… you reckon you’ve charmed the pants off the landlord. This is it. TAKE MY MONEY!
18. The waiting game
They said they’d call, what haven’t they called?
You are reliving your teenage years, and you don’t like it one bit.
19. The self-doubt
It’s been three days. Still no word. What did you do wrong? Maybe they didn’t like your shoes, maybe you laughed too much at that awful joke about the All-Ireland. This is worse for your ego than a bad night on Tinder.
Time to give up. Move on.
20. The spread #4
Cork is pretty much the same as Stepaside, right?
21. The call
WAIT WAIT WAIT WHAT’S THIS?
It’s a strange number. Could this be the landlord? Your heart can’t take much more of this.
22. The win
It’s yours! Finally, a place to call home and you’re NEVER MOVING AGAIN!
23. The call #2
One month later.
It’s the landlord.
You have three weeks to move out.
This is your life now.