I’ve two lil’ bastard angles, me lil’ Prince, Tyrone and me lil’ Princess Rihanna. Dey’re me world. I live in Fingerless but I do be sluttin’ around different parts of the Northside.
I love me shoppin, me food, me nights out with the girlos and whatever happens after that! I’ve a pain in me slice listenin’ to all these hipster posho bastards on Lovin Dublin so I told the geebags I’d write for them. This is Hun’s guide to the Northside! Gerrup de yard!
FOR A BIRRAH SHOPPIN’
Penney’s [Mary Street]
Me favourite place in Dublin for a birrah shoppin’. It’s verdy rare that I wear a pair of knickers but when I do it’s Penney’s best spice up yer slice skinny Minnie ninnies. Me angles get kitted out all the time in the Disney an’ the marvel paraphernalia all the time too. #VerdyGudValu
New Look [Jervis SC]
New Look is the place to go if yer a 20-stone geebag an’ have big fat hairy feet. Me sister Whitto’s feet are as big as a house an’ hairier than a Spanish minge. She gets all her size 9 wide mickey gobblin’ slut shoes in heyour.
Nice things for skinny minnies like meself aswell.
Motive, Kriza, Quiz, Genisis, Angel. Yiz might not know them names but their all the masso hunzo shops in the Lilac Centre.
All the latest fashions for getting’ a birrah mickey at the weekend. I remember that masso balloon fountain in the Lilac years ago and I used to be robbin’ the money out of the cuntin’ thing. Gerrup de yard!
Dealz [Moore Street]
They sell fucking fanny crackers here and me and me angles love them. Scampi Fries they do call them. They even sell vibrators for yizzer gees. Mad cheap.
FOR A FEW SCOOPS
Bottom of the Hill [Finglas]
Me local, an’ I fuckin’ love it. Me and the girlos always start our night out here. Three packidges of dry roast and three fat frogs. They have a function room for hire where I jipped off a fella in before. He lasted about 30 seconds the little dope!
The Glimmerman [Stoneybatter]
When I was with me ex Jono [mini mickey Jono] in the Batter I found this place. Not full of poshos like the other pubs in the Batter with all the beardy cunts wearin’ their leggings. Eh scuze me, what the fuck happened to Stoneybaybleedinbatter.
Pantibar [Capel Street]
When me and me gay besto Harley go out on the tear we always go to Pantibar. The barmen are fuckin’ little lashbags. There does be a puddle under me lookin’ at them.
The Blathnaid McGeebag and the Bunny Rabbit are me favourite drag queens in heyour. The lezbeans do be sniffin’ around me slice but once they buy me a vodka and Redbull they can sniff all they bleedin’ want.
When yer fucked out of yer local and yer lookin’ for a boogey with the girlos and a ride afterwards on the weekend head to McGowan’s. If yer like a box of Lego and yer in bits yer still guaranteed to get the wear!
FOR A BIRRAH FOOD
FX Buckley’s [Moore Street]
“Heyour you, buy a hair extention an’ a calling card.”
“FUCK OFF ye cunt!”
Moore Street is in bits these days an’ full of dopes. But ye can’t beat FX Buckley’s for an oul coddle pack or for the brekkie pack for €4.99. The rings of puddin’ are that big ye wont know whether to eat them or sit on them!
Clarkes Bakery [Cabra]
I sweyour, ye can’t beat de oul Clarkes.
Bleedin’ masso rolls to take away, masso bread, masso coffee slices an’ masso full Irish brekkies when yer eyes are bigger than dinner plates an’ yer lickin’ the walls off yer box from the night before.
Some of the oulwans look like their chewin’ on wasps when their servin’ ye but who gives a fuck when they use double cream in their coleslaw. Best served with a half pound of their corned beef. #AskMeCoffeeSlice
Hoi Wan [Finglas]
Hoi Wan heroin as me and me angles like to call it. The curdy sauce would have yer slice drippin’ it’s that bleedin’ masso.
On the main street in Fingerless, it’s grand for when yer fallin’ out of the Bottom of the Hill at 1am off yer box on the WKD’s!
Earl Café [North Earl Street]
The oulwans in here are gas. “Howye Hun, yer usual?”
“Yeah, 10 pieces of white puddin’, 4 slices of toast and a pot of scald!”
Best puddin’ in fuckin’ town. Lovely fresh cream eclairs and all they do have. Great for yizzer dinners too. Fuck the Kylemore! #PotOfScald
DIS N DAT
Rotunda Maternity Hospital [Parnell Sqaure]
When I had me lil’ prince Tyrone and me lil’ Princess Rihanna the ungrateful lil’ bastards shot out of me slice here. They have a masso smokin’ area out the front.
Ann Summers [O’Connell Street]
If ye wanna spice up yer slice with some tingly gee lube or get a whip for yer lil’ bitch of a fella dis is the place to be goin’. Dopes workin’ in here don’t even notice when ye throw a few pairs of ninnies in yer bag when yer payin’ for yer cheaper phew bits n’ bobs.
This is my kinda fingerin’ – five fingerin’ discount!
Innocent until proven filthy! Gerrup!