12 Election Issues That Need To Be Put On The Table
It's crunch time, so let's discuss the Tinder Height Revision Act 2019
With the General Election fast approaching, we feel that there are still some issues of national importance that need to be addressed.
We have taken it upon ourselves to give the following 12 election issues a platform on which to stand.
1. The Intoxicating Hollandaise Act 2017
The fundamental law stating that brunch, and consequently brunch menus, should be available on weekdays as well as weekend, and that a person is entitled to eggs benedict any time of day or night.
2. The Tinder Height Revision Act 2019
This Act states that said person's height should be visible on their Tinder profile as a pre-requisite.
People guilty of photos just showing their shoulders up will be prosecuted in a court of law.
3. The Bank Holiday Monday Agreement 2018
Every Monday forthwith shall be a Bank Holiday and therefore an extension of the previous absurdly short two-day weekend.
If the aforementioned Monday is dampened with inclement weather, the bank holiday will roll onto Tuesday.
4. The Chicken Fillet Treaty Of Peace 2020
Every person, regardless of their race, gender, orientation, or beliefs, should be entitled to a free chicken fillet roll with toppings of their choosing on mornings when they're really hungover.
5. The Tuna Enforcement Act 2019
Any man, woman, or child that is seen, or indeed smelt, ingesting a tuna-based foodstuff in public shall be punished to the full extent of the law.
6. The Summer Time Insurance Act 2017
This Act acknowledges the importance of summertime, sunshine and vitamin D to a person's mental and physical wellbeing by encouraging the skipping of work on sunny days.
Or, indeed, taking a paid holiday in the later months of the year if Irish temperature doesn't exceed 25°C for more than two days of the year. The people view this Act as essential to the welfare of the entire nation.
7. The Sound Children's Control Agreement 2016
This Act states that all children from the ages of 2 and up should be taught basic manners, kindness and general sound behaviour.
Examples of such conduct will be rewarded by extra days of P.E. and 15 extra points in a subject of their choosing in the Leaving Certificate.
8. The Doughnut Justice Scheme 2019
This Act shall come into operation on such day or days of national sorrow (e.g. losing at any international sport, the non-passing of important legislations, or Thierry Henry hand-balling again) and therefore states that during periods of ill-gotten woe, fresh doughnuts shall be handed out at the doors of places of work around the country.
This act aims to reward those willing to let bygones be bygones and lend a helping hand in allowing the country to thrive.
9. The Glam Monarch Reform 2020
This Reform establishes the necessity in Miss Panti Bliss being actually made Queen of Ireland by the year 2020, and not just going on letting people say it for lols.
Such a reform is based on the evidence that she has boosted the country's collective morale, tolerance and general acceptance for some time now.
10. The Slow Walker Regulation Act 2016
This states the importance of fast walking to the people of Dublin and thereabouts. This Act states that less than-nimble pacers shan't be tolerated by their quicker counterparts within a six mile radius of the city, the centre point of this being O'Connell Bridge.
Punishment for perpetrators of such an act varies from the wearing of ill-fitting Crocs, an open letter to the fast walkers of the city, bowing to them as their overlords, and an ankle bracelet sounding an Earth-shattering alarm once foot is set upon any of Dublin's bridges, varying on the severity of the violation.
11. The Dry January Amendment 2018
Such an amendment states that Dry January shall neither be enforced upon nor pressured unto easily swayed victims of the sesh.
The jury recognises the total bleakness of January and believes one's joys should not be taken away from them, via the pressure of the public, should they not wish to do so.
Dry January is both encouraged and supported by the government of Ireland to those wishing to repent their inebriated sins, but neither judgement nor pity should be cast upon those unwilling to conform.
12. The Good Craic Initiative 2019
This initiative states that the people of Ireland should strive to be the best craic they can be in all situations involving others. Good craic, internationally recognised as Ireland's most profitable export, lends a hand to productivity, national morale and flourishing creativity.
Breach of this initiative will result in a tarnished reputation and refusal of entry into Copper's forever more.