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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
So you've recently discovered that everyone you talk to on the reg has a smartphone. And, therefore by the laws of modern day smartphone use, has Whatsapp.
Sure how else would you bother keeping in touch other than a Whatsapp group? It’s easy. it's constant. It’s inevitable.
But don’t fall for it. Soon, somebody else starts a new group for a birthday or a separate group for people who live in close proximity. This is where the trouble starts.
As soon as the original chat is created, it will inevitably become battle of the admin. This person is more often than not drunk on power and can very quickly become a complete dick about it.
Akin to an evil director, the admin cuts people from their production however they see fit.
Eventually more and more groups are created and it becomes a sick, twisted game. Soon you’ll hear empty threats and flippant comments like: “Oh I’m not in that group but fuck it she’s a tool anyway”.
And, in turn, another group is created to show face...
Unfortunately for close groups of friends, both parties involved are required to either give a full rundown of feelings before having the chance to feel them, or are either subject to merciless slagging.
Full no-holds barred accounts are required and their secret encounter is no longer so secret…
One of the worst things about all these group messages is the constant onslaught of unwelcome shit chat about football or hangovers or arguments over what colour that dress was.
All of a sudden you check your phone after a meeting and it’s 179 unread messages.
The nightmare of the lad's lad or the sassy female.
We've all seen the horror stories of guys sending cringy messages to their lads group as opposed to their other halves, but think about how often you send a text to the person you're talking about as opposed to talking to. Now imagine that in front of an audience.
Only topped by...
No, you didn't dream it. You actually did send a voice note to your work chat stating how you're gagging for the ride and you hope Ian Madigan's out tonight because you've done 'shit loads' of squats this week.
So your mate Rob found a meme with about a vomiting puppy and thought it was so hilarious he had to share it with the group.
Do you really want that shit saved in your camera roll?
This can come in many forms, and is often encouraged.
Example: When someone puts forward a dumb question, they should either receive a dumb response or no response at all. This is also made very easy by the 'Seen at' feature.
How else will they learn?
Unlike our conscientious pals over at Snapchat, if you take a screenshot of a Whatsapp conversation (as all of us have, and will time and time again) other parties don't get notification of it. Which is all well and good for the creeper, but not the creepee.
Screenshots ruin lives. Think before you click.
So you finally get into the swing of Whatsapp, until the time comes when you have to decide if you want to show whether you're online, or come across as invisibly omnipresent to one and all.
The 'last seen' option on Whatsapp is the default setting so other users can find out whether you are available to chat or not, but this can be switched off to make you seem cool, busy and important (a tool), and thus another Whatsapp-based battle begins.
Is it not enough that we can see when someone is online (which is always, lezbehonest) but we have to endure seeing the message go through, seeing one tick form, and then a pair. And thus, the waiting game begins.
Only to be made insignificant by...
So your two ticks form and you're more than prepared to wait it out, then you notice they've only gone and fucking turned blue, insinuating that someone has read AND IGNORED them.
Brilliant.
A whole other ball game. Mum can't understand why no-one's replying to her message about a fox in the garden, and Dad hasn't quite grasped why you're Whatsapp picture is an ugly picture of your mate and not you.
This only really gets going when someone is away. E.g. Your older brother sending pictures of the scenery on his travels, even though you know they was taken when he was off his tits.
Will very rarely have an inventive or witty name to it, unless they're a family of freaks.
