17 Things You’d Get Away With In Ireland That You Wouldn’t In The USA
We're a nation of messers, really
We can be sarcastic, blunt, occasionally boorish – a nation of messers in other words – and that's exactly how we like it. However, our cutely hoorish ways aren't always entirely transferable to foreign markets.
So here, as it's the 4th of July, are just 17 things things you'd get away with in Ireland that you wouldn't in America.
1. Bantering with the cops
American cops aren't much like our beloved Irish police force. These aren't your local high-vis wearing Gardai, armed only with a sense of smugness and a thick country accent.
These guys are properly armed, so try surrounding them while chanting “Who's That Sexy Garda” and marvel at how fast you become another police brutality statistic.
2. Tayto sandwiches
Oh sure, you guys can have doughnuts with freakin' burgers in them but we pop a few cheese and onion crisps in a sambo and we're the freaks.
Where's the logic?
3. Scoring while drunk
It's almost exclusively the way we roll, but if you try that out yonder you'll likely be met with a disgusted roll of the eyes, followed by a knight in shining armour interjecting with the old “Is this guy bothering you?”
Consider your bit denied.
4. Not grinding on the dance floor
There is something quaint about the Irish mating ritual of getting drunk and swaying on the D-floor, simply waiting for the bees to come to the honey.
In the States, you either grind or go home... or preferably both.
5. Taking the piss
Here in Ireland and in the UK, we have a pretty refined sense of sarcasm, a natural resource that's apparently not as abundant in the Americas.
6. Speaking at an appropriate volume
As comedian Dylan Moran said about Americans, their voices tend to carry. If you spend an excessive amount of time west of the Atlantic, you may find your personal volume climbing to match their own.
Not to mention you may fall victim to the dreaded twang.
7. Not tipping
In Ireland, tipping is based upon a careful ratio of how sound your waiter is to how sound you're feeling on that particular day.
In the States, here's what happens if you dodge a tip: They will hunt you down. They will find you. And they will ask you very forcefully to have a nice day.
8. Dodgy fake IDs
American pub and club security take their jobs a lot more seriously than their Irish counterparts.
Not only can they see straight through the lie that you’re using the age card belonging to your older sibling, but they can also smell your fear.
9. Paying a reasonable price for your education
Thirty grand a year to do arts? Would ya be well.
10. Conversational cursing
I don't know about you, but I drop F-bombs like they're going out of fashion – but that sort of talk in the ol' US of A will get you some absolutely filthy looks. Best quit yo' cussin'.
11. Not speaking Irish
Somehow you've never felt the urge to speak Irish when actually in Ireland, but as soon as you're abroad the need to speak the cúpla focal has never been greater.
12. Speaking at your normal speed
Remarkable how they can somehow find your accent sexy without ever understanding a word.
13. Public drunken vomiting
So much for the land of liberty.
14. Avoiding waiting staff
Trying to order directly from the bar without being intercepted by waiting staff who are cruising for a tip is like running the gauntlet.
You come to understand why they're called waiters: they lie in wait for their prey.
15. Going without sun cream
Never forget that you no longer have a blanket of clouds to protect your pasty, pasty skin when you’re in the Nevada desert.
16. Bad-mouthing the US
17. Eating reasonably-sized portions
In the land of the free and the home of the brave, they say that “bigger is better” and good lord, they take that seriously…
Food from a bucket? Okay, USA. You win this round.