Difficult to control, and quite impossible to resist, today is the day when chocolate takes over all our lives.
That’s why several of us will be feeling less than wonderful right now, as a day of chocolatey indulgence catches up on us – and this, as if we needed reminding, is how we got here…
1. Know what? I’ve been good during Lent and to be honest, I don’t REALLY need chocolate today.
2. But it is Easter Sunday…
3. … so it’s what Jesus would have wanted.
It is his Vice-Birthday after all.
See? Look at him there.
4. And my mam has bought me this egg.
5. I’m Irish enough to know that when your mammy AND Jesus want you to do something, you’d better do it…
Aaah the poor little mite. Too much Easter egg I suppose.
— irishmammies (@irishmammies) April 5, 2015
6. Also, smashing a chocolate egg is oddly satisfying.
Note to self: Remember this year that eggs are stronger than windows. Mam will forgive you for that mistake once, but again might be pushing it…
7. I probably shouldn’t do this on an empty stomach, but I’m PERISHED.
Dinner isn’t for an hour. I may not make it that far.
8. Sure look, a little bit won’t hurt.
Hey, this person I’ve never heard of on Twitter has endorsed my decision. I’m good to go!
9. Or a little more.
10. I’ll finish this half of the egg and leave it at that.
11. By which I mean I’ll finish this egg and leave it at that.
12. The bars that come with the egg are obviously included in the term ‘egg’. So once I power through those I’ll be done and dusted. For real.
That’s the law, and I don’t make the law.
13. OH GOOD GOD I’M SUDDENLY SO THIRSTY I CAN’T FEEL MY OWN FACE.
14. Why is all this water having no effect?!
15. Actually maybe that’s the point. Maybe we eat chocolate at Easter to understand how insanely thirsty Jesus became in the desert.
Mm hmm. Definitely.
16. Annnnd I have a headache. This was the worst idea ever.
Even worse than the time you tried to go down the stairs on an upturned surfboard? Yes. Yes indeed.
17. Speaking of the worst idea ever, I must have more chocolate. Immediately.
18. My sister did mention something about not really wanting her egg…
I’m 90% sure of it. Well, 60%. But that’s pretty good, like.
19. Okay, dinner is in 25 minutes. I’d really better stop now.
20. The idea of food is making me ill. This may be a problem.
My mother will actually never speak to me again if I don’t hoover up these spuds.
21. Nope. I can’t.
Sorry mam.
22. I’ve been told I’m not allowed more chocolate unless I eat my lamb.
“Mam, I’m 28 years of age.”
“You’re a little greedy pup, that’s what you are.”
23. I’m going to have to smuggle this already-smuggled egg to my room.
This is a new low. Even for me.
24. My body feels like crying.
25. My limbs are vibrating.
I just poked myself in the eye trying to turn on a lightswitch.
26. If chocolate can kill dogs, surely it can do the same to humans. Am I going to die?
I’m no doctor. The internet, however, is.
27. I’ve just found the Wikipedia page for theobromine poisoning.
1,000mg per kg? Yup. Checks out.
28. I am going to die.
I’m horrified to think of what my epitaph is going to be. But it was worth it.
29. Might as well finish this egg so.
If you’re going to go, you may as well go in style… goodnight, world.
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