48 Essential Steps To An Awkward First Tinder Date In Dublin

1. Congratulations! You have a new match!

2. Right. Which one is it? Please be the one with the amusing bio about her dogs…

3. YES! It’s her.

4. AND we have a mutual friend! Excellent. Hellooooo, conversation-starter.

5. Okay it’s someone called Mike who I don’t actually recognise. Who the hell is Mike?

6. Ah yes… Mike!

You met him at a DIT event once back in the days when everyone added everyone on Facebook indiscriminately, remember? Good times.

7. Our only mutual interest is Humans of New York. That’s EVERYONE’S mutual interest with EVERYONE.

8. Okay, so what the hell do I open with?

A reference to the dog bio? Naw, she gets that all the time I’ll bet.

9. “Thank god it’s Thursday, eh? Nearly Friday!”

‘Stage-of-the-week’ banter? Really? Is this what you’ve become?

10. She’s never going to reply.

You idiot.

11. Holy crap, she did!

12. Although hold on a tick. If she came back to that awful opener, she might be a bit dull herself…

13. That’s the worst thought you’ve ever had. You are going to die alone, and you’ll deserve it.

14. Right, we’ve somehow been chatting all day about nothing in particular. I think we’re ready.

Okay, here goes: “Yeah, this app drives me crazy… I think the notifications are broken or something? Here’s my number if you fancy moving to WhatsApp?”

15. No response. It was just too damn soon. That’s the end of tha… MESSAGE ON WHATSAPP!

16. Ah crap, now she can see when I’m typing.

So she now knows how long I’m taking to craft and rephrase every message to sound clever.

17. Were blue ticks really a necessary addition to the WhatsApp experience?

18. Okay, you know how many siblings they have and what their parents do. It’s time to deploy the two-step strategy.

• Step 1: Mention something that requires a long backstory.
• Step 2: “Yeah, it’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it over a drink some time, though?”

19. It worked. You are a genius. I bet LITERALLY nobody in history has thought of that one before.

20. She’s taken it as a dinner invite. That’s quite a commitment, but fine… she seems cool, so let’s go with it.

21. Right, where to go? Have to consider what my choice will say about me…

• Super Miss Sue: I have notions.
• San Lorenzos: I have notions, but I like to pretend otherwise.
• Pitt Bros: I have no interest in looking attractive while I attempt to woo you.
• Coppinger Row: I look good in low light.
• Pygmalion: I’m here for the night.
• Tapas de Lola: I don’t want to hang around too long.
• Zakura: I can use chopsticks.
• Seagrass: I’ll get the meal, but I’m not paying for booze.

22. Start with a drink, you say? Oh fantastic. Another decision to make.

23. Right, where to go? Have to consider what my choice will say about me…

• P Mac’s: I’m too cool to be heard.
• Mary’s: I need batteries and a new wrench.
• Peter’s Pub: I will be doing a crossword while we date.
• Against The Grain: I will impress you with my strategic prowess in Connect Four.
• Whelans: I was cool in 2004
• Renards: I’m your da’s friend.

24. I waited too long. She suggested Flannerys. We’re done here.

No offence, Flannerys.

25. She was kidding. Of course she was kidding. Against The Grain it is.

26. I’m here. Is that her? She doesn’t really look like her photos, but I’m nearly sure it’s her…

It wasn’t her. And oh, the look of pity on that girl’s face was utterly crippling… Oh ground, please swallow me up right now. HAVE SOME MERCY, GROUND.

27. Okay, found her. What the… did I just SHAKE HER HAND?!

I give up already.

28. Please don’t queue beside me at the bar.

I don’t know you well enough to blank you by looking away while I try to get the staff’s attention. Yet…

29. My glass is empty but there’s 20 minutes until we have to leave for dinner.

And I haven’t got in a word edgeways. Would it look really bad if I got another?

30. I’m getting another. Can’t deal.

31. Dinner time. I drank that secondn drjnk a bti to fasssst.

32. “Are you getting a starter? No, no, me either.”

She hates me.

33. “Are you getting a dessert? No, no, me either.”

She actually hates me so much this song is going through my head.

34. Oh man, conversation is running thin. Did I actually just ask her what her favourite primary school teacher was like?

35. “Do you fancy popping somewhere for a drink? You do? Wow. I mean… oh. Good.”

What the? Why did I even ask that?

36. Right, where to go? Have to consider what my choice will say about me…

• The Church: I have a really good Hozier pun that I’m dying to make.
• McSorley’s: I don’t really fancy a long walk home.
• Everleigh: I’m a smoker, but I’ve been scared to say anything.
• Dicey’s: We’re staying out for the night. Shots?
• Peter’s Pub: I’m not finished my crossword.
• Coppers: I want to trade.

37. The bouncers are throwing people out. How the hell is it 2.30am already?

I cannot be in this conversation sober.

38. We haven’t so much as brushed arms off one another. If you’re going to do this, then it’s time…

39. Okay I chickened out and pretended I was reaching for my wallet. I am going to die alone.

No no NO, this is for the best and you know it.

40. We’re at a taxi rank. It’s cold. I want to go home.

41. WE’RE KISSING! WHY ARE WE KISSING?

This is… no. Just no.

42. Okay, we’re still kissing.

Doo, doo-de-doo.

43. Yeah, it’s getting a bit weird now. And I think that taxi man is watching us.

44. Actually I think they’re all watching us.

45. She’s gone. Although… was I a bit impolite saying goodbye just there?

No, I wasn’t a bit impolite. I was incredibly impolite. I literally ran away.

46. I’ll text her to apologise.

47. Or maybe I’ll just text her to say I had a deadly night.

48. Sure look. I’ll see her once more and see how it goes.

—

532. Well, that escalated quickly.

Oh well.