Feature

20th Dec 2016

Every Single Rose, Celebration, Quality Street And Miniature Hero – Ranked From Worst To Best

katedemolder

Something we can all agree on is that Christmas is about chocolate – the good, the bad and the downright rank.

What we can’t agree upon, however, is which is best and which is worst. So here, as decided by the Lovin Dublin team following much tasting and nodding, is our list.

Maybe you’re stocked up on Christmas treats already but hey, better chocoLATE than never…

36. Coffee Escape (Roses)

Let’s be real, are you even surprised?

35. Bounty (Celebrations)

Bounty’s the guy in school who snuck in with the cool kids because he scored a Spanish girl on holidays last summer in Fuerteventura, but secretly he knows it’s a lie.

34. Strawberry Dream (Roses)

The artificial taste of strawberry is overpowers everything within a four-mile radius, and the packaging is offensively bright.

More like a nightmare, amirite?

33. Twirl (Miniature Heroes)

It’s almost like Twirls haven’t made their mind up of what they want to be.

Not crumbly enough to be a Flake, but not solid enough to be anything. Poor performance all round.

32. Snickers (Celebrations)

The ones your dad eats. Leave him at it.

31. Toffee Penny (Quality Street)

Like biting into flavoured cement.

Not worth the dental bills.

30. Tangy Orange Creme (Roses)

Tangy? No. Orange? Barely. Creme?

Okay, we’ll give you creme.

29. Chocolate Toffee Finger (Quality Street)

The only thing it’s good for is stirring your tea.

28. Strawberry Delight (Quality Street)

Not as sickly as its Roses’ counterpart, but still needs to seriously pull up its socks in order to compete with the big dogs.

27. Eclair (Miniature Heroes)

Could take an eye out with a well angled throw.

26. Coconut Eclair (Quality Street)

The Coconut Eclair is actually an interesting study, for what should have been a total bloody disaster actually came out relatively all right. The coconut flavour softened the intensity of the eclair, and the eclair sturdied up the coconut flimsiness.

Still a bit shite, but 10/10 for effort.

25. Regular Caramel (Roses)

The only thing you can really say about the Regular Caramel is that there are no surprises lurking, and you won’t all of a sudden be met with a Brazil nut or the likes.

The vanilla ice cream of the chocolate world.

24. Wispa (Miniature Heroes)

Wispa was indeed discontinued in 2003, but relaunched in 2007 due to outrageous numbers liking the Bebo (yes, Bebo) ‘Bring Back Wispa’ pages. Since then, it has experienced an unbounded success and we’re not particularly sure why.

A grand bar of chocolate, yes, but worth all the fuss? We’re not convinced.

23. Mars (Celebrations)

What would usually be a contender for a top spot has been brought down a peg for just being too much.

Arguably the most intense chocolate bar on the market, Mars bars are responsible for 9/10 vomit-inducing incidents over the Christmas period. Fact*.

* May not be fact

22. Orange Creme (Quality Street)

Tastes like that shite Calpol you used to get when you outgrew the baby stuff.

(Quality) Streets away from the Roses alternative, however.

Nestle Quality Street Orange Creme Fruit Cremes Box

21. Country Fudge (Roses)

Good texture, but the wrapper always made you uneasy as it sort of looked like the colour of chocolate vomit.

20. Caramel Swirl (Quality Street)

The only non-brightly coloured one of the pack. This both enticed and scared you. What lay beneath?

Run-of-the-mill caramel sweet that your granny dished out. Good, not great.

19. Twix (Celebrations)

Finally, a sweet with a crunch! The ratio of biscuit-to-caramel was always way off in the miniature versions, and only left you wanting more. 6/10.

18. Fudge (Miniature Heroes)

Always seemed a little bit gone off, but in a good way.

17. Dairy Milk (Miniature Heroes)

While naysayers may suggest that Dairy Milks are as outdated as Pogs, and as unnecessary as the ironing board outside P Mac’s, these guys are the taste of our childhood – and for that, we let it stand strong at 17.

A good melt-in-the-mouth consistency, be it a little bit sickly at times.

Also: Dairy Milks are worth keeping around for their fucking bonkers TV ads alone.

16. Toffee Deluxe (Quality Street)

A strong toffee flavour, without being too sweet. A good strong chew without being jaw-breaking. One of the original Quality Street desirables.

7/10, key.

15. Golden Barrel (Roses)

Sweet, creamy milk chocolate mixed with buttery caramel all encased in an inviting wrapper. Incredibly moreish.

Yet, what they make up for in taste and stature, they lack in squishability factor at the bottom of the box/in your pocket when you shnake a few and forget about them.

14. Brazilian Darkness (Roses)

Chocolate for chocolate lovers. Also teaching kids that Brazil is heaps of craic with great exports.

Mmm, geography.

13. Milky Way (Celebrations)

A gateway chocolate, to ease you gently into eating four tubs and a selection box.

12. Creme Egg Twisted (Miniature Heroes)

Twisted is right. You’ll feel smashed after a few of these guys.

11. Hazel Whirl (Roses)

The one you don’t realise you like until you try it. The underdog of the miniature chocolate treat world.

10. Chocolate Green Triangle (Quality Street)

And what a way to kick off the top 10 – with the nation’s favourite green triangle shaped food.

We hear the hazelnut noisette inside is made from the fluttering of tiny angels’ wings.

9. Milk Choc Block (Quality Street)

Another green chocolate piece fighting for our attention. It’s enough to make anyone patriotic.

Smooth, delicious chocolate that is absolutely banging with a cuppa tea. And with regards to the name, you get exactly what’s on the tin, and we like that.

8. Dairy Milk Caramel (Miniature Heroes)

The treat you got as a kid when you were being really, really good.

7. Orange Chocolate Crunch (Quality Street)

The holy grail of orange flavoured chocolates.

Crunchy and crumbly and lovely and fab.

6. Signature Truffle (Roses)

New in from 2013, the Signature Truffle had instant success and is continuing to dominate the charts ever since.

A chocolate for young and old, no mean feat.

Cadbury Roses Mini Signature Truffle 1 E1424110131926

5. Galaxy (Celebrations)

Everyone’s go-to chocolate bar, thanks to both its insane texture and Ms Bridget Jones. Smoother than Barry White, and gone in seconds.

4. Hazelnut Caramel (Roses)

Or ‘The Purple One’.

When a chocolate has enough of a reputation to stand on that it has generated its own nickname, you know it’s legit. Due to the impressive nut-to-caramel ratio, you can eat six-plus of these bad boys without wanting to die.

Always a good sign.

3. Vanilla Fudge (Quality Street)

Like Fudge bars, except better. This is how you do melt in the mouth right.

The sort of chocolate you imagine God to eat.

2. Galaxy Caramel (Celebrations)

An upgrade from its caramel-less counterpart, the Galaxy Caramel is a non-stop thrill ride with mouthwatering activities at every turn. We’re not even exaggerating.

However, it will always be number two in the Celebrations box of life. Number two next to the one and only…

1. Maltesers (Celebrations)

The undisputed king of miniature chocolate treats.

Always the first gone and mourned after. The Maltesers sweet did so well that is actually spurred on the head honchos at Mars to create the Maltesers bar. Just where would we be without them today?

I don’t even want to think about it.

Its crunchy centre provides a heavenly juxtaposition to the creamy, delectable chocolate enveloping it all.

Well worth the fight it takes to retrieve them on opening.