I want to begin this letter by saying it's nothing personal. I have no problem with you, or the way you live your life, or indeed the foods you choose to eat.
I quite admire your dedication to healthy eating; your determination to take on all those omega oils, that will reportedly boost your brain power. After all, this will benefit all of us in the company – and will ultimately result in me being paid more, or something like that.
But while I don't have a problem with you, per se, I do have a problem with certain choices you make.
Namely, with the fact that you choose to microwave fish.
In the office.
When there are other people there.
Colleague, you don't strike me as an inconsiderate or a bad person; our forced conversations on Monday mornings about our weekends are actually not that bad, by the usual standards of such conversations, and you got me a rather amusing novelty bottle opener for the Secret Santa.
But you need to understand that your actions have consequences. Horrible, fishy consequences that stink up not only our shared workspace, but my clothes and my hair and my gym gear.
Can you imagine going to the gym smelling of fish cakes, colleague? Can you imagine taking a deep, sharp intake of breath as you rise up from a burpee, and have your nostrils invaded by a combination of salmon, garlic and butter?
Well, can you?
Of course you can't, colleague, because if you could, then you wouldn't inflict this on me and on the rest of our team. So I'm writing you this letter in a bid to make you understand, to make you relate and to bring your mentality a bit closer to that of right-thinking members of society.
I'm not asking you to change who you are; I'm just asking you to think.
And I trust that you will do what's right for all of us.
Yours in eternal hope,
Everyone With A Nose