You’ve had the weekend to end all weekends… but in this life, everything carries a price.
Here’s how you know you’re suffering from The Fear.
1. One minute you’re too hot and the next minute you’re way too cold as you kick your leg in and out of the duvet every few seconds
2. You open Snapchat, Whatsapp and Facebook with one eye open to look at the sent messages, but in your heart you already know the cringey stuff you’ve done
3. Your skin feels as if it has stuff actually crawling on it, and weird parts of your body keep twitching in a way you’d never noticed before
4. You know you should check your bank balance. But after seeing those receipts in your pocket for the huge round of shots in the club, you know that’s not going to happen…
5. You’ve suddenly realised you’re without your favourite hat / bag / shoes / jacket / underwear
6. You got up well after midday so now to compound things you just know you won’t be getting to sleep until super late
7. You search through your camera roll for any evidence to help piece the night together but it all ends with everybody looking sober in the restaurant. No clues there
8. You catch a smell of yourself and it’s not good. After a quick bit of maths, you realise it is well over 48 hours since you washed and you’ve done a lot of crazy stuff in that time…
9. Some gobshite who clearly has nothing better to do has only gone and tagged you in a bunch of photos from last night and it’s brought everything flooding back
10. Everything and everybody is out to get you. That includes the kitchen door that just slammed with the wind (but is probably a murderer of some sort sneaking in)
11. One minute it was Sunday afternoon and you were still well in the weekend but somehow time has sped up… and you remember. Work tomorrow!
12. You’re suffering from a very acute case of chronic sighing, which hits you every couple of minutes
13. The battery on your phone is dying and the charger is in another room. This feels like the end of the world
14. You remember talking to a seriously attractive person last night who was sound. You swapped numbers but now, no matter how hard you look, it just isn’t there. The only good thing to come from this weekend has vanished
15. You’re unable to make any decisions at all. This applies to getting takeaway food especially. You know you want it and it will improve things but it involves choosing what to order, getting over to the phone and then the dreaded door encounter with another human.
Face it. It’s just not going to happen.