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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
Sometimes you just need a ludicrously large, unhealthy, indulgent, delicious feed.
Sometimes you need to forget about being healthy, ignore the gym class you have booked for later in the day, and succumb to the carbohydrate craving that's imposed itself upon you because you've left it too late to get lunch.
That's what I did today – and let me tell you, I regret nothing.
The venue? Ugly Duckling in George's Street Arcade. And it was imperfect, but massive and stupidly tasty.
I'll never be the same again.
Now let's be under no false impressions here; this was not a healthy meal. This did not fit my macros, or anyone else's (unless that person is some form of carbohydrate-craving bacterial force from another planet).
It is not going to provide me with the sort of 'gains' you see people talking about on Instagram, nor is it going to make me feel particularly good for the rest of the day; I'm staving off a food coma as I struggle to finish this very sentence.
But fuck it. The Pittsburgh, which I ordered alongside a bottle of water (to be responsible, you know) is easily one of the hugest, filthiest feeds you're going to get in this city for less than a tenner.
Pulled pork absolutely SOAKED in barbecue sauce, topped off with slaw and served on a bed of chips, which themselves lie on top of a bed of bread.
A bed of chips on a bed of bread.
The pulled pork is juicy, fatty and perfect while the barbecue sauce leaves you with a taste you'll hold on to all day; the bread is soft, and the skinny fries are crispy and just-the-right-amount-of-salty.
And yet, despite being in the heart of town – and bang in the middle of lunch hour – there are only three other customers in the entire place with me.
Maybe it's because the place has Q102 playing on the radio, which nobody really wants to hear unless they're in a taxi, or maybe it's the mild smell of bleach down the back of the room; either way it's not, admittedly, a luxurious setting.
But still. This, despite the fact that the above comes in at an unreal €7.95 (plus €1.50 extra for the water).
That ain't right. So the next time you feel the need for an intense, gratuitous and gross carb-fest, get yourself to this joint.
Your mouth will thank you, even if the rest of your body doesn't.