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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
Let's face it: nobody does indulgent food quite like the American.
And when it comes to the most important meal of the day, never mind bacon, pancakes and steak – instead it's all about this staggering array of cereals
that generally contain about 8,000% of you daily recommended sugar intake.
Here are 27 examples where cereals in the land of the free really took the piss.
If you like having a glass of orange juice with your cereal in the morning, why not cut out the middle man and just pour the glass directly into your cereal?
How could that be anything other than delicious?
A product that was discontinued until recently, when it enjoyed a most-unexpected revival; the Fianna Fáil of cereals.
Probably the worst offender on the list as they clearly realised they'd created a monster, only to bring it back from the dead to terrorise tastebuds and teeth again.
Do you feel bad when you have a donut for breakfast? Worry no more. You can now have a bowl of donuts guilt-free as it says ‘cereal’ right there on the box.
Up until this point I bet you didn’t realise that cereals could have sequels.
“Should we put a cute cartoon mascot on the box?”
“Don’t be silly, we’ll put an OAP in a cheap outfit and to top it off we’ll give a free royal racing coach in every box.”
Too busy for cereal in the morning? Are you blessed with the absence of a gag reflex? Then I have just the cereal for you.
“Hey Cap’n. Look we’re a little bit worried the regular Cap’n Crunch Berries cereal contains plain ol’ Cap’n Crunch and we’re not efficiently delivering the correct amount of pure undiluted sugar and food colouring to our customers. Any ideas?”
“All berries?”
“You’re a genius Cap’n. You’ll make Admiral yet!”
It never made it to shelves. Possibly because it wasn’t made of The Right Stuff. Even though we all said “Baby I Believe in You,” and “Please Don’t Go Girl,” it failed to materialise and faded into memory.
And as of yet no one has said “Let’s Try it Again” – something that sadly can't be said for the band itself.
“Hey could I get a box of Grins & Giggles & Lols & um… you know what, forget it. I'll just have Corn Flakes.”
You may be familiar with the sickening Nerds candy that made you wince from the sheer sugar overload if you ate too many at once (ie, if you ate one).
Now imagine you could have a whole bowl of them with milk? Damn, we missed out on this side of the Atlantic.
The spelling is egregious enough. Never mind the fact that the box makes it seem like carnivorous and herbivore dinosaurs would be able to live amicably side by side – but it also takes things a step further, and insinuates that they'd also be able to successfully run a diner. A diner that exclusively served cereal.
Come on.
Don’t eat them after midnight
“No Pebbles, you can’t put cupcakes into your cereal, that’s ridiculous. No, put them back. I’m warning you once. Okay twice. Okay fine. I suppose it’s not the worst thing you could put in there.”
“Oh God damn it Pebbles.”
It turns your milk into strawberry milk. Interestingly, the cow was perfectly sane before it tried a bowl.
Look the cereal might be fine, and Mario and Link wouldn’t be the first characters to get their own cereal.
My issue with this all boils down to the phrase “Nintendo Cereal System”.
The nightmarish mascot of Kream Krunch was conceived as it appeared in a vision to the creator after he was forced to eat an entire box in one sitting.
“Hey Cap’n, it’s us again. We were thinking that we could still make our cereal more sickening and possibly make it festive to tie in with the whole over-indulgence at Christmas theme. Any ideas?”
“Well we could lather it in frosting?”
“Sir, you’ve outdone yourself this time.”
Have you ever eaten a Pop Tart and thought to yourself it would be so much better if it was cold and left soaking in milk for a few minutes?
You’re in luck.
It says “Extreme Creme Taste,” like that’s a good thing.
They look a bit... you know... shit.
Mystifyingly failed to ignite a franchise of natural disaster-related cereals.
You don’t need to go these convoluted ends to eat sweets for breakfast. You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. Own it.
You’d have to wonder how anyone thought making a cereal with chocolate covered marshmallows was a good idea.
You’d have to wonder how two separate companies thought making a cereal with chocolate covered marshmallows was a good idea.
Now you can enjoy breakfast at any time of the day as you’ll never sleep again due to the terrifying visage of the Sugar Krinkles clown invading your dreams.
Finally, though not technically a cereal, when it comes to cereal related products taking the absolute piss, I think Kellog’s range of cereal flavoured lip balms takes the prize.
Of course, there's far more to American cuisine than crappy breakfast cereals – and we want to bring it to you in all its glory this July 4, in association with Eddie Rockets.
