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20th Dec 2016

21 Times American Food Took The Absolute Piss


This is the nation, after all, that thought the Man Vs Food guy was a hero.

Reckless self-endangerment has never tasted this good…

1. Maple-glazed bacon doughnuts

Just looking at this picture leaves me shocked, horrified, and a little bit peckish.


2. Jack-N-Grill Burrito

This burrito consists of 7 potatoes, a pound of ham, chilli, an onion, cheese, and a dozen eggs. Weighing 7 pounds, it’s less of a culinary delight and more of a coronary red light.


3. The Murph-A-Dilla

This is two-foot of flat-bread filled with cheese, brisket, lettuce, pico de gallo and jalapenos. This quesadilla is testament to Mexican food enthusiast David Murphy, and the fact that non-elasticated pants are highly over-rated.


4. Octuple Bypass Burger

You can’t fault the Las Vegas restaurant for not warning its customers about the dangers of this eight-patty high burger: it’s served by waitresses wearing nurse’s uniforms, while you wear a hospital gown as a bib. Personally, I’ve always found that if a meal ran the risk of being structurally unsound that was warning enough.


5. KIDZ Breakfast

Named for the fact that it’s the weight of a small child, you can almost hear arteries hardening on the far side of the Atlantic.


6. Breakfast Pizza

Actually, I’m not even mad at this one.

6-breakfast pizza

7. Chocolate-Flavoured Pepperoni

Taking two things you love and creating an unholy hybrid. Has man gone too far?


8. Bread Bowl Pasta

Because somebody at Domino’s HQ had this brilliant thought: “Hey, you know what goes well with carbs? Carbs.”

8-dominos pasta bread bowl

9. The Kitchen Sink

Drop into the San Francisco Creamery Co. to partake in this ordeal of a dessert. It contains three bananas, eight scoops of ice cream, eight different toppings, whipped cream, nuts, and cherry on top. The way I look at it you’re getting three of your five a day here, so it’s practically the healthy option.


10. Bacon Cheese Pizza Burger

Can’t choose between your favourite foodstuffs? Feck it, have ’em all!


11. Miller Park’s The Beast

When at a ball game you may want to pick up the appropriately named “The Beast”: a grilled bratwurst stuffed with a grilled hot dog, wrapped in bacon, topped with caramelized onions and sauerkraut and served on a pretzel roll. There’s nothing quite like exercising vicariously through professional athletes while you go full gluten.


12. Fifth Third Burger

Another baseball fan favourite, which just goes to show that you can’t have America’s favourite pastime without worrying cholesterol levels.


13. Taco Salad

With restaurant On The Border’s grande taco salad being the equivalent of eleven fresh tacos from Taco Bell, I think it’s safe to assume that these guys have missed the point of salad entirely.


14. Hot Beef Sundae

Kinda like a hot fudge sundae, except you’re exchanging ice cream for mashed potato, fudge for beef and gravy, sprinkles for tonnes of cheddar, a cherry for a cherry tomato, and cherished childhood memories for adult congenital heart disease.


15. Bruléed French Toast

At nearly 3000 calories and almost a week’s worth of salt intake, you may need to run a marathon to counteract this light breakfast.


16. Meatloaf Layer Cake With Mashed Potato Icing

My main problem with this is that if you bite into it expecting a sweet treat, you may never trust again.


17. Krispy Kreme Burger

A burger with a doughnut bun… Did we learn nothing from Supersize Me?


18. Rocky Mountain Oysters

Don’t let yourself be mislead by the name, as these delicacies are actually deep fried bull, pig or sheep testicles, coated in flour, pepper and salt, and sometimes pounded flat. Delish.


19. Pancakes & Sausage On A Stick

To the people who buy this for their children: Congratulations, you’re what’s wrong with the world.


20. Macaroni & Cheese-Stuffed Meat Loaf Wrapped In Bacon

Because, in case you’ve missed the trend, the internet seems to think everything is better when wrapped in bacon.


21. Spray cheese

If you’re the kind of person who buys cheese in can form, you need to determine where exactly your life went wrong.


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