"It'll be lonely this Christmas..."
Well done. If you're reading this it means you made a very big step and left the comforts of your own home county in order to venture east to the capital.
And it's a scary time, I understand that. They speak differently, they don't wave back to you when you're driving and it feels like they laugh at your lack of knowledge about the city.
You're not alone. I too am still getting frequently lost on the streets of Dublin (honestly, if it wasn't for Google Maps, I don't know what I'd do).
You love living here but it is Christmas time and while all your old buddies are drinking in the local back home, you're stuck up in the big shmoke wishing it was time for you to be driving home for Christmas.
Fear not, that time is nearly upon us but until then here are some things you'll notice as you make your way through your first ever Christmas in Dublin.
1. Dublin Bus gets EVEN MORE unpredictable in December
If the weather is bad, it's going to throw an even bigger spanner in the works. Always aim for the early bus because even if the early bus is late, you'll still be on-time, hopefully.
Dublin Bus sex tip for how to drive a guy wild: tell him you'll fuck him in 9 minutes, then 8 minutes, keep saying 8 minutes for 3 minutes, then 7 minutes, then 9 minutes. Then disappear and never have sex with him.
— Carl Kinsella (@TVsCarlKinsella) December 8, 2017
2. Prepare for it to be absolutely wedged
If your bus does happen to come on time, expect to be perched up close behind someone and become apart of their personal bubble.
3. The chance of getting a taxi anywhere at any time is slim
Taxis are next to near impossible to get on a normal Friday and Saturday night and believe it or not, they only get WORSE at Christmas time. Be prepared to spend the end of the night walking in the direction of your house with your arm outstretched and painted purple and blue from the cold.
4. You begin to eat your weight in Christmas treats
There always seems to be Christmas selection boxes and sweets and mince pies banging around the place. A nibble turns into a bite and a bite turns into being 4 donuts deep with sprinkles all around your face.
5. You spend an absolute fortune on Hot Chocolate and the like
Apparently, if you put the word 'Christmas' before a product it automatically means the price rises by €2.
All new Christmas water for €4? You can keep it.
6. Your pub choice changes
Forget about going to that hipster pub that sells the fancy cocktails. I'm going to some place that has a roaring fire and a cracking pint of Guinness AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.
7. You wait for snow that never comes
There's a weather warning for the following 31 counties: Proceeds to name every county except Dublin
While all your friends are enjoying snow days at home, you're heading into work in the pissing rain, well feck that for a game of cards.
8. If you're driving, it's every man/woman for themselves
If you're not ready to move when that light goes green and I mean to-the-second-ready-to-go, then don't be surprised when the following three cars beep you out of it. I'm sorry that I was PUTTING DOWN MY HANDBRAKE TO TAKE OFF.
9. Prepare to be even more lost.
The droves of people on Grafton Street makes it tricky to spend more than one second looking downwards at Google Maps without bumping into someone.
Dublin is a bit like Grand Theft Auto, the longer you stay there, the more streets you unlock and the harder it is to find your way around.
Speaking of Grafton Street though.
10. It is one of the most beautiful sights when it's dressed up
1951 - 2018.
11. You're going to bump into someone famous
Meeting someone off the telly back home would be enough to fill out all forms of your social media for the next week.
However, especially at Christmas, it become the norm.
Oh ya, that's Bono, Glen Hansard and Danny from The Coronas singing 'Fairytale of New York' at St. Stephen's Green. Sure, didn't I meet Ryan Tubridy in River Island buying a funky pair of Rudolph socks as a present and may Jaysus have mercy on whoever gets them.
'12. pubs' of Dublin doesn't exist because there is too much choice
Where do you start? Where do you finish? Ah, feck it let's just do the 12 pubs of Camden Street instead.
13. Christmas jumpers are your enemy.
They seem like a great idea for a night out but they prevent you from getting into half of the pubs - "not tonight, kid."
14. Don’t leave your Christmas shopping until the last minute.
Walking up Grafton street - in all its prettiness - is like being at the main stage of Electric picnic. You don't want to do that with a bag full of shopping in tow also.
15. Don’t expect to get a seat in any pub without reserving an area
You're not in your home town now. You thought you could just rock up somewhere and expect to be sitting down? That's cute.
16. They have their own special crib
In the words of Martin Tyler... AND IT'S LIVE.
17. You will have no business being in Penneys until the new year
Unless you are totally prepared to enter the jungle, stay clear. Your mam will want to come up to do some Christmas shopping and if she even mentions the 'P' word, shoot her down straight away. It's the same in Dublin as it is in Donegal, mother.
18. Don’t go to Coppers after 12 and expect to get in
Rocking up and getting into Coppers at 2:30am won't cut it this time of year.
But, if you're there early enough and do get in...
19. Be prepared to sing 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' not once, not twice but at least thrice
"Make my wish come trueeeee" and play another fecking song.
20. Christmas has been going on foreverrrr
It seems to start earlier here than anywhere else. Is that a Christmas sign? It's the 1st of November though, Halloween was literally yesterday.