If You Can Finish The Burger In This Dublin Place Then You're A Better Person Than Me
I needed to be rolled out of the place.
Fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me.
I wasn't prepared. I went into Farmer Browns after a recommendation about their scrumptious burgers. I was hungover and in desperate need of that beefy fix that would see me through the Sunday from hell.
Rewind to about 4 hours earlier, however, and I had just demolished a Full-Irish and had been guzzling on fizzy drinks all day while I binged on terrible Sunday television, not a football match in sight sadly.
To Farmer Browns in Rathmines we went, although they have a place in D4 (Bath Avenue), this was closer. Starters were purchased, a bold move. If I knew then what I know now, the chicken wings would not have even been looked at but alas, a portion was got - to be shared - but even that was way too much.
You see, I thought I could stroll into Farmers Browns, wolf down my burger, leave and go back to feeling sorry for myself for the remainder of the day.
But I was wrong.
I was already feeling full but I had to persevere.
I weighed up my options...
The burgers named after tractors cheered me up a small bit and made me forget that I had spent a lot of money on booze the night before.
I kept it safe and went for the 'Farmer Burger' which seemed almost perfect for me.
You know the phrase: "Your eyes were too big for your belly", it was the opposite for me on this occasion.
I knew I had been beaten before I took the first bite
Coming out with a portion of chunky chips, the meat sweats began instantly...
I thought a good system to go with on this one would be try and get the burger down the hatch as quickly as possible and worry about the chips afterwards.
That was all well and good until I hit a burger wall half way through. Then, my theory changed. I thought to myself maybe if I finish the chips, take a five minute break and head back to the burger afterwards, all would be fine.
I was kidding myself, the situation was anything but fine and I was on the road to defeat, with about one quarter of the burger left to go, I had reached peak fullness.
I told people about my defeat and I was laughed at. I tried to explain my case but it fell on deaf ears. I had to prove them all wrong and I had to prove to myself that my stomach wasn't completely losing the run of itself.
I went back.
The burger didn't change but the method did. No starter, no method, just open the gob and be sure not to close it until it was all gone.
The second time was great, I actually got to enjoy the burger but it was still a struggle.
There was breaks taken, water drank and a lot of exhalation but I got there in the finish. I'd never been happier to see an empty plate before in my life.
I don't think I'm ready to give it a 2018 effort just yet, partly because I'm too afraid that the outcome might not be third time lucky.
But I will be back, maybe this time I'll change it up and see if any of the other burgers will beat me...