Nothing bores me to death quite like sports, and with the most of the nation glued to The Olympics right now, it's a stressful time for folks like me.
But I know I can't possibly be the only one feeling this. Right? Right?!
If you're anything like me, you should be familiar with the following things...
1. Making the mistake of asking someone if they're watching The Olympics
You're just there holding your breath, hoping and praying that they'll say no, so that you don't have to ask follow up questions and sound like an eejit.
Note to self: stop asking this question in the first place.
2. A failed attempt at pretending to love sports
You were quite devoted to this notion, trying with every fibre of your being to convince people you were sports mad.
But you gave up at an early age, because your whole life was becoming a lie.
3. When the match is on and none of your friends will hang out with you
Cos they're well aware you haven't a clue about anything sports related.
4. You call teams by their colours, not their names
"I just really like the guys in red, yano, they look... good at football?"
5. You descend into silent anger when someone says 'we' when referring to a team
And you’re there thinking they did absolutely fuck all.
6. When you ask a 'stupid question'
And no one will even dignify it by answering.
7. Trying to have a non sport-related conversation in the pub
And being interrupted by roaring every time a team score.
Sorry, do you mind?
8. Being pretty content with the lack of sport broadcasting at festivals
And not understanding other people's anger about it.
9. You spent many a P.E. class pretending to be sick
And went as far as forging notes from your ma to avoid the embarrassment of being chosen last for teams.
Traumatised for life? Perhaps.
10. When someone writes to you on Tinder asking if you'll be watching the match
Within seconds you're hopping onto Google to find out what sport, what team and where said match is being played.
11. Wanting to kill someone every time they shout 'GET IN!'
Inside voice, please.
12. Getting filthies when you mention how hot a player is
Sorry for being HUMAN?!
13. You can't even make small talk with your hairdresser/barber
Because The Olympics is such a hot topic right now and it's all they can talk about.
So you just sit there, in silence.
As if going to the hairdresser wasn't bad enough already.
14. How average your pint tastes
When you haven't a fucking breeze what is going on in the pub around you.
15. People asking you who your favourite team is
And you still can't name even one.
16. Having to ask what a 'sweepstakes' is in the office
But why is it €5?
17. When someone asks who you've 'put your money on'
18. Finding it impossible to make small talk with your significant other's father
And wondering if it's too early in the relationship to drop the bomb – that you hate sports – as it's the only conversation he's bothered making with you.
But even when you have the guts to make it clear that you don’t follow the sport they continue anyways. Dropping weird European names as if you know who these people or give a shit.
19. Presuming people are speaking in Mandarin when using sports jargon
"So how about that trequartista and false regista, eh?"
Please hold while I Google Translate whatever it is you just said to me.
20. Thinking that Robbie Keane and Roy Keane are the same person
Nope, two very different lads. We're as shocked as you.
21. Jersey colours mean nothing to you
But the sight of them alone give you nausea.
22. Not knowing what specific sport someone is talking about
They just refer to it as 'the match' and you're desperately scanning your brain for golf, basketball, tennis and football knowledge.
23. You find yourself on the sidelines of so many conversations
Just like a sub on the bench, you're unable to contribute, looking like a sulky child.
Oh, don't mind me... I'll just talk to the wall.