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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
Hell is other people, as Jean-Paul Sartre (kinda) said.
But with Dublin's slim-pickings rental market currently being very much in the hands of the landlords and incumbents, sometimes we don't get to choose what version of hell we live with.
So here, for your cathartic pleasure, are the 18 types of flatmate we've all experienced at one stage or another.
Okay, it's their house, they're allowed be there as often as they like.
But good lord... what you wouldn't give to come home and have the place to yourself for just five minutes. What does this person do? How on earth can any one person watch that number of Cake Boss episodes? WHY WON'T THEY JUST GO AWAY?
A moderate neat freak is fine – in fact, it’s quite nice to have someone who’ll keep the place spotless while you don’t need to so much as lift a finger.
But when you nip to the loo during the ads and come back to find they’ve emptied out the last of your tea, and cleaned your mug?
Oh hell no.
On the opposite end of the scale, we find this creature.
There’s something about reaching into the cutlery drawer for a fork, and finding that it comes with a half-eaten sausage on top, that just stays with you for life.
Ketchup on cheese for dinner. Fish fingers for breakfast. Peanut butter on garlic mushrooms for lunch. All rounded off with a... you know, you probably don't even want to know what that is.
If the sight of this person's daily menu doesn't put you off living with them, the smell most certainly will.
Marked by a failure to distinguish between free’n’easy weekend nights, and ‘I have to be up at 7am’ weeknights.
Great to know, not so great to live with.
It’s been three weeks since you moved in together with your lifelong best pal… and you can’t for the life of you work out how you ever liked this person, let alone decided to move in with them.
GET OUT.
When your decision to shack up with a randomer you found on a flatsharing website is interpreted as a sign of undying friendship.
You’ve got to feel sorry for them, as often the peak of their social life is the chat they share with you during the ad break of the evening news. But that awkward lingering when your other half calls over for a bottle of wine and a movie.
Once again… HELL no.
Lovely person. Friendly demeanour. Excellent company.
But… they reuse teabags. And you know deep down you’ll never be able to move past that.
If you’ve been stupid enough to move in with a couple, particularly one you didn’t know, then you won’t take long working out what a huge mistake you’ve made.
Even if they’re not prone to overt displays of affection, they’ve still got a stronghold on the balance of power within the house.
You will never win, so just quit.
“Oh, you’ve brought your girlfriend over again! Great! I mean, there’s loads of room here, provided I sit on the floor beside the sofa as opposed to actually on it.
“She does talk quite a bit. Have you noticed that? No? Okay.
“Well look, it’s 6pm. I’ve to be up at 10am tomorrow, so I might turn in. Night!”
Prone to fly off the handle and stare at you for a while afterwards, they’ll eventually get annoyed by something you do – being too clean, too dirty, too present or too absent – and make that annoyance felt in one way or another.
Their only redeeming characteristic is that they may some day become widely infamous, and you can star as a talking head in a documentary about their early life.
If you survive that long.
For all we complain about passive-aggressive roomies, there’s something refreshing about their attempts at diplomacy.
When you move in with your other half, however, you enjoy no such luxuries – and the straight-talking approach may just make you long for a silent oddball who talks to himself in the mirror and puts post-it notes saying ‘do not touch’ on his goldfish.
READ: Tell Us Your Worst Ever House-Sharing Story – And We'll Pay Your Rent For A Month!
“Turn the music down, it’s late!”
“Um, it’s 8pm. And I’m listening on headphones.”
“Yeah, well I can still hear it. And I have to be up for work in the morning.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday.”
“Look, just turn down the music down, I pay the rent on this place you know.”
“But so do… oh, fine then.”
Repeat this conversation ad nauseum until you move out, or gradually slip into the ‘Potential Serial Killer’ category.
Well that was loud.
That’s one person – or quite possibly two, or more – that you’ll never be able to look in the eye again.
It’s Saturday morning, and you’ve just made a coffee which you know is going to taste like heaven in a mug. But alas, you open the fridge to be greeted with the ultimate devastation: there’s no milk.
Well actually, there is milk. But you know far better than to touch it – because if you take, use, breathe on or LOOK AT anything belonging to The Obsessive Possessive, they will find you, and they will kill you.
It’s Saturday morning, and you’ve just made a coffee which you know is going to taste like heaven in a mug. But alas, you open the fridge to be greeted with the ultimate devastation: there’s no milk.
Because THAT THIEVING BASTARD DRANK THE END OF IT AND DIDN’T REPLACE IT OH MY GOD HE IS DEAD TO ME.
And then it hits you: this is why people become Obsessive Possessives.
Side note: Who in God's name thought it was okay to include that creature in an ad aimed at children?
They’ll turn the telly off during the ads to save on power, and they’ll install a stopwatch in the shower to save water.
Sit still for long enough, and they’ll switch off the light in the room you’re in.
Sit still a bit longer, and they’ll recycle you.
Lest a housemate have the urge to shower at 4.30am, the boiler is left on at all times. TVs are left on standby, the heating runs right through July and the bathroom light is left on at all times.
You never know when someone may not have time to find and flick the switch, after all – and these risks are best avoided.
To be fair the global warmer is actually quite easy to live with… until the bill comes in.
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