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20th December 2016
12:10am GMT
It's a well known rule in the game of love: the location you choose for the first date will make or break you.
After all, it's the first in a string of crappy decisions that your date will use to judge your potential – and one wrong move and you’re done for. So to prepare you for this crucial call, we've prepared a guide to (pretty much) every first date spot in the city, along with a handy explanation of what your companion will think when you suggest it.
Go own it, people.
I’m bringing you here because it’s loud and dark and I don’t actually want to hear nor see you.
I suck at small talk and will probably resort to commenting on how slick the furnishings are..
I look nothing like my Tinder pics so I’m actually locking you in a room with me, I have 60 minutes to show you it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
I love reminiscing about how craft beer tasted better before it went mainstream.
I like talking about how 'the books were better than the movies’ for just about every item on the shelves here.
I watched a TED talk on subliminal messaging once...
I smoke rollies and talk non-stop about having cans on the canal, whilst ordering G&Ts at the bar.
My bike is second-hand, and I want you to think that was a conscious choice as opposed to working out that I’m really poor.
I don’t want to ask how old you are, so I’m going to let the over-28s door policy do it for me.
I may not be good-looking, but I dare you not to be turned on when I throw down in scrabble.
I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm just looking for my wallet. Do you mind getting this?
I’m going to pretend I come here all the time just to ‘get away from it all...’
I just stepped off a tour bus and you were my first swipe.
I say things like ‘smooth moves’ and refer to the dancefloor as ‘the tiles’.
I actually like long walks on the beach, but didn't want to sound like a cliché.
I wish it was still 2004.
If I can’t have my cocktail in a jam jar, I don’t want it at all.
I’d haggle with a vending machine.
I’m giving you Meanies for dinner – and you’re gonna love ‘em.
I can read. Let me tell you more about this.
I’m going to be scoping South William Street for talent in case this doesn’t work out.
I like live music so much, and I can even play Wonderwall on the guitar.
I’ve been to Dublin once. For a match.
I too am open late and free in.
I’ll buy you dinner, but I’m not buying you booze.
I’m choosing a place with a back door because my dates frequently go horribly wrong.
I want to get inappropriately close to you inappropriately quickly.
I will stop at NOTHING, including hiring my own cinema, to get the shift.
I am up all night to get lucky.
I went to Trinity and I’m going to use this place as a way to bring that into the conversation.
I will bet our house on a roulette table if/when we get married. Oh you don’t think we will? Wanna bet?
I think I’m being really wacky and adventurous by not asking you to a pub.
I’m a smoker, but I’m really not sure if you’re okay with that or not.
I am more unpredictable than Dublin Bus. CAW!
I have never once in my life had an original thought.
I am the worst person you have ever met.
I’ve got a fun, wholesome date planned with the not-so innocent goal of getting you to take your clothes off… all without seeming like a creep.
I believe in magic, astrology and frozen yoghurt.
I really hope you’re into death.
I am a creature of habit, whose deli order is known off by heart at my local Centra.
I’m the person who always asks the waiter what they’d recommend, and in doing so guarantees that my table is going to be hotly avoided for the rest of the night.
I get upset when I hear my favourite band on the radio, instead of just being happy for their success like a normal person.
I’m old school and always reliable. I don’t need Facebook to remind me about my friend’s birthday and I even sent them a card by post.
I’m so predictable that a pint of the black stuff is probably the only thing i’ll be pulling tonight.
I’m not a hipster and I started hating hipsters long before everyone else did.
I don’t like games or wasting anyone's time. I’m going to take you on the most stressful date of your life and if we manage to make it out the other side and not kill each other in the process, I’m yours.
I’m minus craic but if I can get you laughing another way then you might not even notice.
I like to push myself to the limit – I don't quit. At least until I get sick on myself and/or the guards are called.
I’m easily amused. I laugh at all my own jokes and favourite all my own tweets.
I only ever go for one yet still have never actually just gone for one.
I have never nor will I ever understand the concept of romance.
I constantly talk about how ‘broke’ I am but do the weekly shop in Fresh and buy vodka by the bottle because it ‘makes more sense economically’.
I have a competitive streak and if you don’t let me win I will straight-up ruin your life.
I'm a little bit out of date.
My middle name is ‘instant regret’ and my favourite pastime is lying awake at night thinking of that time in Senior Infants when I forgot my lines at the Christmas nativity play.
I’m so quirky and just love doing weird things for the sake of it. I’m always reminding my friends of all the crazzzy stuff I’ve done, they love it. Such a kook. You'll love me.
I hate people. I can just about tolerate a trip to the cinema but if you talk during the trailers you’re dead to me.
I say and write the word ‘lol’ without ever actually cracking a smile and I still go on about that time I shared an elevator with Bono.
I consider Hailo to be public transport. Well, anyone can get one right?
I go with the crowd. When €7 juice became a thing, I just went along with it without asking any questions.
I’m a chancer and love taking risks. 60% of the time, it works every time.
I rarely step out of my comfort zone. Year on year, my new year’s resolution is ‘New year, same me’
I don’t like going out out. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still come home at 5am shoeless and with a breakfast kebab in hand... but on a Friday I just like going down to my local for a few quiet ones.
If there’s a gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan option I’m having it. Regardless of my dietary requirements.
I’m the original hipster. I did hipstery things before they were cool and it doesn’t bother me that those things are now popular.
I don’t actually know the meaning of the word cheeky and how far from it I really am.
I talk about how technology is making us all anti-social whilst Instagramming every single thing I see.
I’m easily impressed. Free ice cream? Shut up and take my money.
I only ever shop in charity shops, and by that I mean shops like H&M.
I've a train to catch.
I’m not paying entry for the Zoo so the deer will have to do. They're animals too, okay?
Go big or go home. I’ll do whatever it takes to get what I want, besides putting in effort of course.
I work in ‘social’, which is short for social media, which is actually short for spoofer.
I’m working on a sleeve. Yes I’ve only got a small tattoo of initials on my wrist, but that’s totally only the beginning.
Adventure is my middle name. Okay well, not technically. It’s actually Declan and to me adventure is playing an even safer version of one of the safest sports in the world. But hey, carpe diem and all that.
I knew your father well.
Of all the burger joints in all the towns in all the worlds, I had to take you to this one.
I carefully plan ways to be spontaneous. I’ll head to Electric Picnic because ‘sure why not?’, having bought my tickets in the early bird round.
If I can’t instagram my food, you may as well throw it in the bin. I’d rather starve.
You better fill up on that free bread. I didn’t get this rich by spending money.
I listen to vinyl exclusively. I even pay extra for a special, secret type of Spotify account where all music is piped directly from a special vinyl cave.
Quinoa and kale are literally my life source.
In the absence of my own personal style, I gravitate towards theme nights.
I’m a total foodie but I hate cooking. Ask me about the newest superfood and I’ll know all about it; ask me to cook a spag bol and I’m breaking out Siri.
I only just moved here but I feel like I’ve been a Dublinese person my whole life. Dublinese is right, isn't it?
I'll find any excuse. Rain = 'pub weather'. Sun = 'beer garden weather'
The party doesn’t stop ‘til I walk in.
I like to get my rage out by screaming in a controlled environment.
I want to show off my core strength.
Don’t let my looks deceive you. My personality is sexy too.
I’m in a band. Yes, we have a Facebook page. No, you won’t have heard of us. And yes, we opened for the Coronas in 2010 so we’re kind of a big deal.
You can’t take me anywhere.
Sport is everything to me. Watching it on TV I mean, I don’t believe in doing actual exercise.
I know how this place's name is actually pronounced, and that seems like a fairly safe conversation starter.
I don’t smoke, I vape. I don’t drink tea, I drink herbal.
