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20th Dec 2016

This Revolting Deli Ingredient Needs To Be Banned Immediately


I like to think of myself as a patient and tolerant woman.

I keep my head down when I get stuck behind an annoying slow walker, I bite my lip when someone pays their €50 bill with 5c coins at the self-service till in Tesco and I try to restrain myself from wishing bad things upon the motorists who splash me on the way to work in the morning.

But there’s one thing I can’t stay quiet about anymore and it’s the absolutely disgusting ingredient that has been ruining my lunch and causing untold anxiety during my 30 years on this earth.

The hellish food of which I speak? Coleslaw.

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Now, I realise that this may seem like a extreme reaction to a seemingly harmless lunch favourite but bear with me as I try to explain why I’d rather sit through five hours of Oireachtas Report than eat anything that’s even been in the vicinity of this cabbage, carrot and mayo hybrid.

First off, it tastes completely and utterly rank. I will concede that there are some versions out there that are acceptable but how someone can consider bits of cabbage bathing in a vat of watery catering mayonnaise tasty is completely beyond me.

Secondly, it’s made with eggs yet it sits on a deli counter for an entire day. Would you drink a glass of milk that had been left out of the fridge since 7am this morning? Don’t think so. Warm, slightly sour mayo = gross.

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Why don’t you just leave it out of your order? I hear you say.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, don’t think I haven’t tried.

Even when you innocently order a failsafe ham and cheese toastie, some absentminded deli worker will pick up a knife that they just used for a cheese and coleslaw roll and contaminate your lovely lunch.

Not to mention all the sneaky coleslaw that pops up on the side of every bloody thing you order in a restaurant.

Order some chicken wings? Here, have some coleslaw. 

Want some chips? Surprise, they come with coleslaw! 


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And I’m not alone in my pure and unadulturated hatred either. There’s even a thread on Reddit where people can moan about it!

“It’s like eating sliced up cardboard with mayonnaise” is my personal favourite.

There’s only one answer. For the love of all that is good and holy, let’s just get rid of it from the deli entirely. There’s so many lovely alternatives to try instead. Go mad and throw in a few jalapenos, or ditch the diet and have some delish cheese instead.

Your life, and mine, will be better for it.

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