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20th Dec 2016

13 Things Your Cousin Knows About You That No One Else Does


Considering that Ireland originated as a fine, Catholic country, it’s a given that the number of cousins an Irish person may have could be well in their hundreds, if not thousands.

And due to this vast, vast number of kids running around the house, it was often the case that their respective parents loaded them off to a nearby relative’s gaff instead of letting them hang around in the village with the riff raff. 

Because of this, cousins had to form unbreakable bonds straight away in order to simply have friends in this world. This closeness inevitably led to your cousin knowing some of your most intimate secrets, such as…

1. Which one of your other cousins you once fancied

Let’s not be coy about this, your true first experience of love was age 5 when cousin Áine grabbed your hand to cross the road after collecting you from creche.

You’re not fooling anyone.


2. How you REALLY take your tea

Like how much milk is necessary with Club Milk, how much sugar to throw in when you’re having a chipper, or when it’s necessary to chuck the bags and have tea leaves.


3. Where your irrational fear of Shetland Ponies comes from

Janet and Mark’s Wedding 1996. We’ll say no more.


4. Your brief stint with IBS

And how it came about in a particularly strange way at horse-riding camp in the backarse of County Kildare.


5. How you actually got that chip in your tooth

So you may have fooled the adult side of the family into thinking that the apple you chowed down that particular time was especially tough for that time of year, but your cousins know that that chip was from a particularly rough day of drinking at the tender age of 16, where your poor juvenile jaw hit the toilet seat too damn hard.

They know how you got the bruise on your arse two Christmases ago too.


6. Who’s on the other end of the phone judging purely by your voice

Loud and slow? Uncle Fergus.

Quick and quiet? Jenny the cat sitter.

High enough only dogs can hear? Sheila.


7. How you take your chicken fillet roll

Lettuce, spicy chicken and taco sauce when it’s t-shirt weather, and butter, crisps and wedges when it’s not.

And that when you’re feeling fancy, you pronounce it chicken fillay’.

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8. How to get them to lose their shit when they’re not supposed to

Whether it’s going up to do an overly enthused reading at Mass, singing louder than the rest at graduation, or giving the annoying shit of a child in front of you in the shop the finger, this is your time, and you got this.

Good to note that nine times out of ten they will completely land you in it to save themselves.


9. What your true colours are

They know that you’ll throw a YouTube worthy strop when someone leaves an empty carton in the fridge, that you’ll come close to punching a wall when you’re hungry and that large farmyard animals will reduce you to a puddle of tears.

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10. Just how ugly your ugly crying face can get

Yeah, yeah, their mates may have seen them shed a tear when losing a final, or stubbing a toe. But have you seen them aged 12 after their first love dumped them over Bebo on the day of their communion?!

Didn’t fucking think so.


11. The ridiculous life plan you made at 12 when it was time to get your life together

”Okay, so we’re clear on this. College at 18, marriage at 23, babies at 25 and sell our business by 30.”



12. The survival plan you’ve made aged 20 when shit started to get real

”Okay let’s recap, college at 18, maybe marriage, fuck kids, pints later?”


13. And finally, what way to appropriately approach that bellend who broke their heart in 2nd year

Smile and nod at the match, then swift dropkick in the nightclub.


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