35 Ridiculously Irresponsible Things Everyone Has Done In The Week After Payday
It happens every month.
Deep down, we know we should pace out our monthly expenditure across four weeks – but it's bloody difficult.
There's just something about that massive wad of cash that drops into our account on payday that forces us to make some very questionable decisions in the days that follow.
Here are the all-too-familiar experiences that we're blindly wandering through together.
1. Gone out on the Friday with absolutely zero inhibitions
And that's before you started drinking.
2. Bought drinks for everyone... and then more drinks for everyone.
Even your friend’s boyfriend who you’d only met once and who you knew wasn’t going to be on the scene much longer.
3. Went somewhere ludicrously fancy
As in, somewhere the cocktails aren't cheaper if you order them in batches
4. Bought said cocktails for everyone. Although not for the friend’s boyfriend this time.
"I'm not bloody Denis O’Brien, like."
5. Got a Hailo home even though you’re on Baggot Street and you live in Ranelagh
"It's been a long week, okay?"
6. Ordered fancy takeaway to coincide with your arrival home
7. Disregarded leftovers as unhealthy, dumped them and bought fresh healthy takeaway on Saturday
"I love you, Saba. I really and truly love you."
8. Ate out with your parents on Sunday and actually picked up the bill
9. Ate breakfast out on Monday
"Fumbally, if you're asking."
10. Ate breakfast and lunch out on Tuesday
11. Ate breakfast, lunch and dinner out on Wednesday
12. Basically followed the entire story of Craig David’s Seven Days, if that song were based on food rather than seducing a girl you met on the subway at about quarter past three
13. Took your date somewhere that actually required an admission fee
14. Or maybe out somewhere that isn’t on this list
15. Or even this list
16. Did ‘The Big Shop’ in Tesco
"Give me all the nice things. I'm so rich I can BUY good health."
17. Bought the fancy crackers
18. Bought the fancy cheese
19. Bought the branded ketchup
In fact, you bought two bottles... so you could finally take part in the Chef vs Heinz debate, after all these years.
20. And still grabbed a few things on the way home from Marks and Spencer on the Wednesday afternoon
Because when it comes to pitted olives and sun-dried tomatoes in obscene amounts of garlic, nobody does it better...
21. Basically didn’t shop anywhere with a German name
"Supermarket with a German name, we need to talk."
22. Apart from when you popped in to buy some ski gear. Which you’ll definitely need soon, because THIS IS YOUR YEAR
"Going to book that ski trip this weekend. Because I'm rich now, you see."
23. Got a Hailo home from work because it was raining. Well, drizzling. Well… okay it was a bit cloudy. A bit.
"IT WAS A LONG DAY, OKAY."
24. Checked your bank balance on the Thursday
25. Realised you’d spent 75% of your salary in 25% of the month
And you never even managed to book that ski trip, the weekend break in Copenhagen, or buy that ludicrously expensive coat that you'd justified would work out really cheap on a cost-per-wear basis if you kept it for 70 years.
26. Calculated how much money you had to spend per day over the rest of the month
Then calculated it again, because "surely that can't be right".
28. Vowed not to go out on Friday
29. Bought lots of tinned food in a supermarket with a German name
"Let's never fight again, supermarket with a German name."
30. Felt a bit better after seeing the cupboards all stocked up
31. Went out on Friday... y'know, as as a reward
"Just for the one, and I actually mean it this time – I have to, because it's literally all I can afford. Provided I don't put the drinks on my credit card, but even I'm not that stupid."
32. Checked your bank balance on the Saturday
34. Ordered a concilatory healthy takeaway
We meet again, Saba.
35. Accepted failure as an adult; lived on sweetcorn and ketchup for three weeks
But hey. At least it's branded ketchup.