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7 Tips To Keep Ye Massive Every Day Of The Poxy Week

By rosemary

December 20, 2016 at 12:10am


Meet your one Nikita – the brainchild of illustrator Aoife Dooley, she's single-handedly responsible for the inner-city Dublin revival, and has a lot to do with our spice bag obsession, too. 

Her super-smart illustrations, detailing the life of a North Dublin young one (Nikita), have won her national acclaim, an agony aunt column in STELLAR magazine and a book deal. We asked Aoife for her top tips on how to be massive, Nikita-style.

1. Weigh yizzerself with one leg

Been cheatin’ on Slimmin’ World? no bother! to make yizzerself feel better, weigh yizzerself with one leg an’ you’ll be guaranteed to have lost at least half a stone. then ye won’t feel as bad millin’ tha’ curry into ye later! stop!

Weighing Scales

2. Put toilet roll down the bottom of the jax

It’s no secret tha’ at some stage of yizzer life you’ve sat on the jax to do a sneaky no.2 an’ the water has splashed your arse once the beat drops. I put some toilet roll down the bottom of the jax an’ tha’ stops the water from givin’ ye a soggy arse, because soggy arses are rotten.

3. Snapchat filters are unreal for makin’ ye look massive

Sometimes when I wake up after a nigh’ out an’ do be in pure bits so I don’t go on snapchat until after 4pm. I find when I look like Ursula from The Little Mermaid an aul snapchat filter sorts me righ’ out.

4. Make sure yizzer hun bun is on fleek

Yer bun is the first thing someone notices about ye, so make sure it’s on fleek. The bigger it is the more ye can hide in it. I always pop me naggin in before I go out with the girls, the bouncers haven't a breeze would ye stop! it’s grand for bringin’ a few pint glasses home to yizzer gaff too.

Aoife Dooley How You Think You Look

5. Leggins are a young ones best friend, but beware

Don’t know where i’d be without me leggins, they’re me life (besides Anto obviously, he's no.1) but ye see them young ones who walk around town an’ ye can see through their leggins? yeah, well I don't trust them! they’re usually the ones who talk about ye behind yizzer back, I usually do see righ’ through them! just like their transparent leggins, stop!

6. Surviving the bus durin’ rush hour

Gettin’ the bus durin’ rush hour is pure rotten. There’s always some pox eatin’ somethin’ from mcdonald’s, kiddies screamin’ an’ people eyeballin’ ye when they’re the image of Helga from Hey Arnold. I aways wack in me earphones, spray meself with a bottle of impulse an’ take a whole seat to meself an’ put me head down an’ pretend I can’t see people walkin’ by me lookin’ for a seat.

7. Meetin’ Fellas on Tinder 

If yizzer goin’ out on a date with someone it’s important tha’ yiz have somethin’ in common. Ye see if one of me mates is meetin’ someone an’ they’re always givin’ out about their ma or their ex all the time, then it’s time to let tha’ pox go. Anyone who has more baggage than Kim Kardashian goin’ on a weekend break to Magaluf is too much, stop!

How to be Massive by Aoife Dooley is out in October, published by Gill Books

How to be Massive by Aoife Dooley is out in October, published by Gill Books

NOW READ: This Is What An Irish Version Of 'Gogglebox' Would Be Like


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