If you have any friends or family outside the Dublin metro area, you probably know the fundamental truth of living in the city: eventually, you will be forced to play the tour guide. Maybe you moved in from the country after college and your granny's popping in for the day from Mullingar. Maybe you made some Spanish friends on a visit to Barcelona and they want to repay the favour by visiting you. Maybe you're like me – a poor, unfortunate creature who moved here from America and now has to promise every relative, roommate, and old primary school acquaintance you'll help them "really see Ireland!"
Whatever the reason, odds are that at some point, you'll have to brave the seas of map-clutching foreigners and help someone sightsee. This guide is the solution to getting through all the tourist traps without wanting to dropkick the next person you see with a DSLR.
This food-and-tourism tour ("sights-eating," you could call it if you're the worst) is simple: for each tourist attraction you make it through without falling asleep or smacking anyone, reward yourself with a visit to a nearby tourist-free eatery that'll make your stomach as happy as a tourist with a sunset to Instagram. Here are the best pairings to satisfy the most shameless of tourists and the hungriest of guides.
Kilmainham Gaol and the Natural Bakery.
Delicious pastries and a tourist spot that even locals find interesting make for the perfect start to the day. The gaol opens at 9:30, so hit the bakery (a four-minute walk down the street) by 9 to start your tour on a full, carb-filled stomach.
Guinness Storehouse and The Fumbally.
Say your "ooh"s and "ahh"s at the waterfall, take your panorama shots from the Gravity Bar, and then get the hell out of Guinness-land with a trip to hipster mecca The Fumbally for brunch. A healthy portion of avocado toast will make you forget all about the pint of the black stuff you just downed at 11 AM.
St. Patrick's & Christchurch and the Queen of Tarts.
If your tourists are the church-going type, take them straight down the road from the Fumbally to St. Patrick's and Christchurch. Reward yourself for your holiness with a sinful slice of fudge cake at Queen of Tarts – only three minutes' walk from the latter cathedral.
Dublin Castle and San Lorenzo's.
Take your time wandering the grounds of Dublin Castle and walk your guests around Temple Bar until it's time for dinner on the nearby George's Street. Try San Lorenzo's or Izakaya to show your guests Irish food can be deliciously international or Pitt Bros. to show off the trend-heavy side of the city. Skip dessert wherever you go, though, because your last stops of the day are…
Trinity College and Murphy's Ice Cream.
Walk your guests around Trinity's campus for a low-key final stop of the day, then point them just far enough down (brace yourself) Grafton Street to get onto Wicklow and into Murphy's Ice Cream. End your day with a scoop of Dingle Sea Salt and the joy of knowing you're done with sightseeing for a very long time.